Dancing Down the Moon

Turn, Turn, Turn...

Things are changing, as they always must.

I've been gone for quite a while; my sabbatical wasn't exactly planned or desired, but in the end I suppose it was necessary…and really, I can't speak of it entirely in the past tense just yet, because so much of what came to the surface during this last month is still going on, still trying to work its way into a new arrangement of myself that so far looks less like a portrait and more like a Picasso.

Still Alive, for Better and Worse

Blessed Beltane, to all who celebrate it.  For my take on the Sabbat, which hasn't changed since last year, see the post In Which Sylvan is a Bit of a Stick in the Mud.

I will be out of the blogosphere for another week or so, and out of town for most of that.  I could go on about where I've been or what's been going on with me, but the short version is that I seem to have had a sort of nervous breakdown (or whatever the current PC psychology term is for it) and am just now stabilizing.  I beg your patience and continued indulgence, and I thank everyone for their continued support.

I hope to be back to my usual life--writing, dancing, snarking--by the end of next week, although, I also hope that some things become distinctly un-usual.

In the meantime I am conducting a sort of informal survey; anyone who would like to respond is welcome to in comments below.  (Unless you are on LiveJournal, in which case I cannot see your comments, so you'll have to come to the original post here at DDtM to respond.)

What was your first Pagan book?  Probably 98% of modern Pagans started with books (or read them along with in-person classes).  I cut my teeth on Cunningham, but plenty of people started with Starhawk or RavenWolf (or even Gardner, though that's rarer here in America than, say, Buckland).  Where did you start?  And what year was it?

I'm curious about how Pagan neophytes' literature has changed, or not, in the last 20 or so years.  I've kind of lost touch with what the new folk are reading these days.  Well, and the older folk too.  My interest in Pagan books went from a flame to a fizzle as the repetition bored me and the tone of many books insulted my intelligence and common sense.  Plus, and I've discussed this before, there's not much in "advanced" Wicca books that I feel I need in my personal tradition. 

I have thought many times that I would one day write a beginner's book myself, to create what I wish had existed back in 2004--but really, when you get down to it, it wouldn't be all that different from The Circle Within, just with more vocabulary words and a chapter on pseudohistory that would make me very unpopular with traditionalists.  (Okay, more unpopular.)  A more recent version of that idea would be a textbook for EarthDance, which I would probably make available by chapter online. 

Yeah, maybe someday.  Right now I'm just curious.  Where did you start, bookwise?  And how long ago was it?

EDITED TO ADD:  Per the first comment (thanks Maeve!), if your first literature was online, mention that too.  After all, networking and education has changed a lot thanks to the Internet, so books are obviously not the only road in anymore.

All Over But the Crying

Cosmo died today, in my arms, at 4:30pm. 

He had stopped eating again and was severely dehydrated, anemic, and losing weight rapidly.  An ultrasound confirmed lymphosarcoma, a dozen tumors throughout his intestines.  Chemotherapy would have given him another two months, tops, and the only other option was pain treatment and steroids so I could bring him home, perhaps for a week or two, during which he would be sick and lethargic at best.

We snuggled for a while in the office, the long IV tube getting in the way, and I told him how sorry I was, and how much I loved him, and how great it was to have him with me for over a decade.  I told him I hoped he understood, and that if he ever wanted to come back to me, I'd try to do better if I could. 

I sobbed, the vet cried, the tech hugged me, and I walked out of the hospital, to return to a home where my sweet kitty would never greet me at the door again, never meow me awake, never drop turds in the living room floor, never yowl demanding gooshyfood or pettins, never sit on the arm of the Death Star again, never get fur all over my laundry, never try to steal a cookie out of my hand, never sleep purring against my back.

My home doesn't feel like one now.  It's so quiet, and so wrong, and my heart feels absolutely broken.  The one constant in my life in Austin is gone.

He's gone, and he's never coming home.  And despite everyone at the hospital telling me it was the right thing to do, I still feel like I've committed some kind of horrific crime against life, like what if I was wrong, what if...

But it's too late now.

Goodbye, my furry little guy.  I love you, and I'll miss you, goodbye.

Thank you, everyone, for your support and your assistance during all of this.  I'm grateful.  I'll be back in a few days.

Ten Things I Love - Post-Bad-Week Edition

I know I've been scarce this week--as you can imagine I'm pretty worn out, although Cosmo is healing up and behaving pretty much like his old self.  (Meaning bitchy, grouchy, and demanding, just like his Person.)  We're almost done with the last round of antibiotics, much to our relief; I've about had it with having to chase him out from under the bed with my Hitachi Magic Wand.  (It scares him.  I might think it threatens his masculinity in some archaic way, but really, what has he got to threaten?  He's got no balls.)  Overall it's been a genuinely crappy two weeks. 

At any rate, since I haven't had much time this week to write, I give you a list of things that have been keeping me reasonably sane lately, mostly in the realm of mindless entertainment.  More spiritually juicy posting will resume shortly.

1 ~ I love that Geoffery Chaucer Hath a Blog. 

2 ~ I love Annie Lennox, in particular her albums Bare and Songs of Mass Destruction.

3 ~ I love that Garfield is much funnier without Garfield.

4 ~ I love that Juno will be out on DVD in two weeks.

5 ~ I love Alton Brown.  I want to have his geeky babies.  I've learned more from watching Good Eats than I learned in culinary school. 

6 ~ I love that there's a sequel to Hellboy coming out in July.  Guillermo del Toro is a freaking genius...although I wonder what kind of scary landscapes exist in a mind that can invent terrifying monsters like the hand-eye demon from Pan's Labyrinth. 

7 ~ I love Chipotle's veggie burrito bowl.

8 ~ I love that doing lots of Nia and ecstatic dance is having a noticeable effect on my body.  Things are shifting around.  I'm becoming more flexible, which is saying something, and my legs are getting stronger.  The only thing I have to watch out for is my knees; the left one has been injured a number of times, so it's weak and prone to being yanked out of shape.  However, Nia teaches you to become aware of the feelings in your body, to listen to tightness and discomfort and work at a level that challenges you without stress or pain.  I'm learning how to sit back into my hips instead of leaning forward over my knees, and learning what it feels like to stretch the joint without going too far.  I've never had this level of body awareness before, and I think it's fantastic.

9 ~ I love the agonizing sexual tension in television shows like Bones.  I love to yell at the screen, "Kiss him, dammit!  Throw him down on the autopsy table and ride him like Seabiscuit!  AUGH!!!" 

10 ~ I love raspberry sorbet, it turns out, which is weird, because up until about a month ago I hated all things raspberry.  Funny how your tastes change as you age.  Next thing you know I'll be eating avocados.  *shudder*

Enjoy your weekend.  I hope the weather where you are is more inspiring than what we've had here this week.

The Continuing Kitteh Saga

Cosmo came home from the vet this afternoon strung out on morphine and pissed off.

The vet ended up taking out four teeth--two that were good and rotten, and another two tiny ones in the front that had somehow gotten broken years ago.  I had no idea he had broken teeth, much less how they got that way; Cos has been an indoor cat his whole life, so I can only assume he was chewing on the doorknob or something equally brilliant.  He does have a tendency to bonk his head on the coffee table when jumping down from the sofa, so who knows?

He tested negative for FLK and FIV, thank the gods, and the rest of his teeth are in fine shape.  I just fed him a bit of his usual gooshyfood, which he went after with more gusto than I've seen him eat in a week or better.  His pupils are still hugely dilated and he keeps listing to starboard, but you would too if you'd been gassed and had your mouth sawed in half.  He's also apparently paranoid, like a good little stoner--every time a bird chirps or the air conditioner clicks on he freaks out.

Funny thing--apparently his ability to morph into a lizard beast and wriggle free of captivity isn't just my problem.  He was so difficult to keep still that the vet couldn't get the IV in him, so they had to put him in a tank and gas him, then stick him.  For some reason the mental image tickles me.  The poor critter also has two bald rings around his front legs where they shaved him to put in the IV and monitors--he looks like he's wearing some kind of strange shoe/pants combination.  Behold the half-conscious post-op pic for proof.

Provided there are no complications, including him barfing up the gooshyfood he just inhaled, and after another week of antibiotics (and two days of pain meds), he should be in fine fettle in 10-14 days at the outside. 

Incidentally, I asked the vet tech why amoxicillin for cats is banana-flavored, and he informed me that Clavamax is actually human medication usually given to children, that just happens to be the same dosage and concentration as what a cat needs.  So there's one mystery solved, although having had liquid medication most of my life (I had problems swallowing pills until my late teens) I can testify that banana flavored medicine is never, ever a good thing, no matter what species you are.

At any rate, the bulk of the ordeal seems to be over with, and again I want to thank everyone for their prayers and energy.  I continue to be amazed and touched at the support we've gotten.

For those who donated money:  I have in mind a small token of appreciation for you.  If you're interested, please email me a snail mail address as well as the name you go by (one you would have something signed to, for example, if we were to meet), and sometime during April you should get a small but sincere surprise in your mailbox. 

Addresses should be sent to diannesylvan at gmail dot com.

Spiders and Snakes and Deer, Oh My!

I recently joined a LiveJournal community offering Pagan writing prompts.  I'm looking forward to the suggestions offered--since I solicited suggestions here, I've been compiling a rather long list of possible writing topics to keep me inspired.  (I still welcome suggestions, incidentally;  comment on this entry if you have any.)

At any rate, the first prompt on the community had to do with animal totems in Pagan practice.  It got me thinking back to the early days of my training, when "what's your spirit animal?" was a burning question and I noticed that an oddly large proportion of Pagans were magically paired with wolves, birds of prey, dolphins, and dragons. 

Oh, and cats--let's not forget cats.  At the first student Pagan group meeting I ever went to at UT there was a girl in the corner who claimed to be a "cat spirit" and spent the entire meeting licking her forearms.

I shit you not.

An Update and a Bit of Gushing

Since I posted about Cosmo my inbox has overflowed with encouragement, healing energy, and donations to my fuzzbutt's care--I'm honestly overwhelmed at the response.  It's strange for a writer to find herself beyond words, but I am.  All I can say is, thank you, to everyone who emailed, commented, and donated.  Your generosity is...magnificent.  A blessing.  Inspiring.  Jaw-droppingly awesome. 

I'm trying to email everyone who donated personally, but there have been so many that I'm a bit behind, so please forgive me if you don't get an immediate response.  Believe me, I'm grateful, so very very grateful.

I imagine Cosmo will be grateful too, once he's finished hating me.  I've been having to dose him twice daily with antibiotics until his surgery on Monday, and will have to keep doing it for a week afterward.  Medicating a cat is sheer hell.  And why, why is amoxicillin for cats banana-flavored?  Have you ever seen a cat eat a banana?  Why can't they make it cricket, mouse, other-cat's-butt, or at least chicken flavored?  Every article of clothing I own is spotted with cat drool, white hair, and stinky banana goop.

Other than our endless tug-of-war with the syringe, Cosmo seems to be doing pretty well; the antibiotics have obviously helped him feel better despite his protestations, and he's eating more regularly and even getting wacky with his catnip mouse.  I have no idea what to expect after the procedure Monday, but I imagine he'll be a very unhappy kitty for a few days. 

The vet is concerned that he may have FIV--his antibody count was lower than it should have been.  They're doing a test for that, too, when I take him in.  I'm trying not to think about it too much.  I realize that cats can live for years with FIV, just like humans can live with HIV, but it's not exactly something I would wish on either.  Gods willing, the tooth extractions and antibiotics will clear everything up and he'll feel better than he has in years. 

I forget sometimes that my Cosmo isn't a kitten anymore.  He's 11 years old, considered a senior, but he's been a grumpy old man as long as I've had him.  He has been the one constant of my life in Austin; it's always been Cosmo and me, since I was 19, both of us shy and awkward in the big new world. I can only pray that we've got a few more years together.  If the amount of energy everyone has offered has anything to say about it, he'll outlive me!

I'll post another update on Cos after his appointment next week.  Until then I hope to get back to writing now that the initial shock and stress is calming down and I don't feel like I'm spinning toward a black hole anymore.  All I can say is, thank Goddess for antidepressants--this knocked me for a serious loop, but if it had happened in February I don't know if I could have dealt with it.   As it is, I've spent the better part of this week either bawling like a baby or so angry I could flip off a box of kittens. 

To quote Mother Teresa, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."

A Prayer Request

This is the last thing I would ever normally do on my blog, but I'm just terrified enough that it seemed like a good idea.  Trust me, I don't plan to do it again if I can help it.

Most of my regular readers are familiar with Cosmo, my Unfamiliar.  He's been with me for eleven years and is in many ways my fuzzy better half.  A few days ago he stopped eating, and I took him to the vet this morning where I was informed he has to have surgery:  they must remove three of his teeth that are rotten to the point of infection.  They're concerned about liver and kidney damage and are running tests and labwork.  Meanwhile he's on antibiotics and scheduled for the procedure Monday morning.

All of this is going to cost me about a thousand dollars that I don't have, so while I am not asking for money, anyone who wanted to donate a few dollars would certainly not be turned away at this point.  (Use the "Donate to DDtM" Paypal button on the left column of the main page.)  I'm going to have some financial help from my family, so the vet bill itself will be less of a problem than the rent, gas, and groceries for the rest of the month.  One way or another Cosmo will be taken care of before I am--that's my responsibility as a kitty mommy.  It wouldn't be the first time I've eaten plain spaghetti so my boy could have his gooshyfood.  As long as he's healthy that's what matters.

What I would really appreciate are prayers, energy, or whatever your chosen faith calls such things for my fuzzbutt's healing.  If he does have kidney or liver damage...well, I choose not to entertain the possibility.  But I know that my readership is kind and compassionate and loves their animal kin, so I hope a few of you can spare a few words to your Deity of Choice on behalf of my sweet Cosmo, who will love you more than catnip.

The In-Breath of the Year

A Blessed Ostara to one and all...

Fling yourself facefirst into the beauty of the new season!

Today I give you one of my favorite poems, a piece that has had particularly personal and intense meaning for me as the season has shifted from the stillness of Winter into the burgeoning green riot of Spring. 

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.


~Dawna Markova

Come Dance With Me!

Once again I will be the guest DJ at Inner Rhythms: Ecstatic Dance for Women tomorrow, March 20, at 7pm.

The class is held at NiaSpace on South Congress here in Austin, and it's $10 (or you can use a NiaSpace class card). Directions and a map can be found on the NiaSpace website.

Ecstatic Dance for Women is a nonverbal practice inviting you to move in whatever way feeds your spirit and frees your body, in an atmosphere of nonjudgment and total freedom.  There are no steps or routines; it's just you, the music, and a roomful of other tranced-out women in every shape, size, range of physical ability, and level of experience. 

EDW is a barefoot practice done in loose, comfortable clothing that allows for free movement.  The music is eclectic, ranging from tribal drums to pop/rock to techno to Tibetan singing bowls, so there's sure to be something you'll groove to!

Come dance with us on the first night of Spring in the beautiful NiaSpace studio!