A Furry Interlude

I'm having so much fun with the Seed Posts series that I may take it beyond ten posts--it's getting harder to choose words, but there are still a lot left.  It may be something I keep coming back to now and then for inspiration, so if you haven't seen your word yet you still might. 

Right now I'd like to pause and share an amusing yet utterly pointless insight I had last night about my cat, Cosmo.

Cosmo and I have been cohabiting for over ten years now.  He's a large cat, or at least a long one, with a whiplash tail and glowing yellow eyes.  He's quite vocal--he follows me around meowing from the minute I get home from work until I go to bed.  And while he is a loyal and fiercely affectionate companion, fond of waking me up to the inspiring sight of his butt in my face (Hail!  The One-Eyed Wonder Snork!), he is not what you would call a magically helpful animal.

I've heard such lovely stories of Witches' cats going along with them on trance journeys, assisting with energy work, and all sorts of other noble pursuits.  There are several books devoted to working with your animal companions in ritual.  Truthfully I've never been terribly interested in having a familiar, and it's a good thing, because Cosmo (who was of old called Cosimodo, Cosmosis, His Royal Fuzzbuttness, Mew Mew, Mewdles, Dammit Will You Get Down, What the Fuck Are You Doing, and many other names) is most assuredly not one. 

In fact, I have decided to place him in his own category of magical-but-not-at-all-helpful animal:  he's an Unfamiliar.  Unfamiliars apparently occupy an important yet oft-overlooked place in the life of the magical practitioner.  You can use the following guide, based on my experiences with Cosmo, to assist in finding one of your own, or to determine if one of your animal companions has been acting as Unfamiliar all this time, an unsung hero on your spiritual quest.

The Duties of an Unfamiliar

I.  You must be very concerned that your human keeps leaving her body, and attempt by any means necessary to bring her back.  In other words, you stick your cold wet nose on her bare thigh while she's in trance, thereby dropping her.  You will know you have been successful by the string of curse words she hurls at you, and how you yourself are hurled across the room.  By the same token, you must be certain to be underfoot during dance rituals; if you can arrange to have her step on your tail, so much the better.

II.  You must be attuned to the unseen world but either terrified of or disinterested in it.  You chase "imaginary" bugs--or Faeries, as the case may be-- up the wall but hide under the couch the minute Deity drops by for a visit.  You act as a confirmation to your human that she is indeed seeing the things she sees, but then you haul ass for the closet and don't come out until it's time for:

III. It is your job, as Unfamiliar, to decide when it's time for a ritual to end.  If the Witches in the room have already taken down the Circle, you proceed directly to the nearest and demand a belly rub.  If the Circle is still up but you are tired of waiting, you charge through it, weaving in and out several times and poking holes in the boundary so that it deflates like a wounded ego.  You then walk across the altar to remind the assembled Witches that the time for magic has passed; the time for chin-scratching has come.

IV.  During guided meditations you provide valuable background noise by scratching walls, running at breakneck speed around the room, and meowing as loudly as possible, forcing the guide to incorporate your presence into the trance.  "As you walk into the forest, you can hear the sounds of animals:  birds calling each other through the trees...a wolf howling...an obnoxious whiny cat who is about to have his ass thrown in the dryer..."  If your efforts to be included fail, you must then bite one of the participants on the big toe.  If locked in the bedroom, you must scratch the walls and yowl like the damned.

V.  To keep your human's altar clean, you are required to steal any leaves, flowers, feathers, or herbal matter left there, eat them, and then barf nearby, as a reminder that the energy of the universe is neither created nor destroyed, but merely changes form.

VI.  Should your human be a practitioner of herbal magic, you must develop an unhealthy lust for the stinkiest herb she owns, for example, valerian.  You must work diligently to open the door of her apothecary cabinet, making as much noise as possible in the middle of the night, and if possible remove any zippy bags of said herb from the cabinet and tear them apart, roll in the plant material, and then rub all over your human so she smells like the ass end of a warthog when she wakes up.  If she gets wise to you and keeps her valerian in a jar with a screw-top lid, you must of course knock over everything you can in the cabinet.  If she should open the jar of catnip, good God, just maul her.

VII.  When your human lays out her ritual robe and cord on the bed and then goes to take a bath, you must roll all over the robe, coating it in hair; then you must chew on the ends of her cord so they fray.

VIII.  You may be required to perform other tasks as necessary.

Extra credit for any Unfamiliar who has ever dropped a turd in the Circle during a Drawing Down.

Comments

[Teece]

As the "owner" of 4 fuzzybutts, who have both helped and hindered magic, this made me laugh out loud. thank you. :)

[s1ren]

ROFLMAO!!

Remember the time we were all doing guided meditation laying down on the floor, and he bounded through the room like Pepe le Pew, bouncing across my stomach and Ryan's crotch on his way through?

[bailey21975]

Thank you so much for posting this. It made me laugh at my desk. Unless you mind, I'm posting this to my journal, crediting you of course. Too good not to share!

[Ariadne]

OMG I laughed so hard! When I was still living in Canada, and Lord Davydd and I still Circled together, we had 3 cats between us. Midnight, the venerable Old Crone kitty, was black as coal with bright green eyes and a grandmotherly attitude... until you brought a sub sandwich in the house, at which point she'd dance hysterically around your feet, presumably trying to trip you up in order to get at the treat. Myrrh was a light and dark grey tiger stripe kitten who was rather broad, like Garfield but in shades of grey. She had an unfortunate inability to take only one hit of catnip, and had to be enrolled in a Catnip Anonymous program. As with your valerian, no matter where we hid it or locked it up, she could find it. Then there was Pud, my own little kitten, a smaller and younger version of Myrrh, and with a mother attitude. She mothered EVERYTHING in the house, be it human, cat, or other. We had guineapigs at one point, and she would clean them as the squee'd. It was almost disturbing, and reminded me of Sylvester Cat when he was "on the wagon" and hid Tweety in his mouth... then went insane. LOL...

Midnight helped with magickal practices always. Myrrh was aloof, although she enjoyed sitting sedately under the altar during rituals and such. Pud... well, like any teenager, she would tear around and try to distract us from the stupid, pointless pieces of paper. I don't think she understood why we found them so fascinating BEFORE they were crinkled up and tied to a string...

[margaritaspirit]

While my cats are not guilty of such deeds, that is only because I lock them out and push a table up against the door (my big cat can stand up and since it doesn't latch snugly, he's managed to twist it open before). Even with that though I still have to deal with baby cat paws coming under the door trying to pull it open and big cat throwing himself at it on occasion. They also do this if you're in the bathroom because they want to drink from the tap.

Prior to cats, my dog used to lie on the edge of circle with me. But now I have to lock all animals out, I wouldn't be able to light candles and meditate with peace of mind otherwise!

[Heather]

Thank you so much for the chuckle. I have a child who does similar things...wonder if that counts lol

[Ganga]

I enjoyed reading about your fuzzybutt kitty! Started my day off laughing which is a good thing! I take care of 2 SPCA cats as well as my own 3 other Girls. My orginal two, Squeaks and Seeba, are 12 years and still going strong, love to roam around the garage, especially Squeaks who's a climber and a hunter and loves nothing better than climbing around in the rafters to see what's creeping about. Seeba is a bit slow but very loving and a round ball of fur. My grandson loves her and she makes him giggle watching her roll about on the kitchen floor, waiting for a tummy scratch. Abbey is 23. She's been with us for 2 years this Sawain and was not expected to live much longer due to her age and thyroid issues. However, she rebounded quite well, lives mostly in my home office and loves to sit on my lap while I'm typing away. She's still quite spry and always knows when something's up. Sassy is just what her name implies, in your face for a pet, doesn't want to be picked up much (had come from an abused home a town away). She could not be adopted at the SPCA because every time we brought her down, she put her butt to the humans and sulk until we brought her home then she was very loving for a while. Likes where she lives. She's the new therapy cat for my son. Mousey was adopted from the SPCA, is totally declawed, and would not come out from the closet or under the bed for months and months. She's my favorite and lives in my bedroom. She a Big Girl, gray fur half way up and cream near her body. She has huge green eyes outlined in green and is a love. Took her forever to even mew and a year before I could pet her without her freaking out. She is now a cuddle bunny and knows when I'm not feeling well and massages my arms or chest. She loves to snuggle up when I'm reading, which is every chance I get, and is a wonderful companion. She is respectful but curious when I am doing ritual but Sassy just bounds right in and tries to mess with things. They are a joy in my life and I'd never be without them!

[Racu]

I know I'm way late in commenting (catching up on your posts), but this one cracked me up.

"As you walk into the forest, you can hear the sounds of animals: birds calling each other through the trees...a wolf howling...an obnoxious whiny cat who is about to have his ass thrown in the dryer..."

and "...and if possible remove any zippy bags of said herb from the cabinet and tear them apart, roll in the plant material, and then rub all over your human so she smells like the ass end of a warthog when she wakes up."

just had me rolling. Now, of course, Cosmo has been most well-behaved every time I've been there...well, except for the last time, lol.

If your critter can't be a helpful familiar, at least they should be interesting!

[Phoenix]

This is exactly why I call my brood The Funky Furballs from Hell

[MilkandInk]

I have been a fan of your books for some time, and recently stumbled upon this page.

I find it terribly shocking that I too have an Unfamiliar 10 year old grey tabby named Cosmo who has an unhealthy fixation on valerian. Strange fates....

Here's the runty old man..
http://persephonerising.vox.com/library/photo/
6a00e3989b7861000200e398c601780003.html

everything in this article is true :)