From the Book of Menses, Chapter 7, Verses 9-20

(9) And it came to pass that there rose in that month in the land of Sylvania a red tide, which covered all the land, and it was NOT GOOD OMG.

(10) And the red tide did bring about cramps, and nausea, and the liquefying of the bowels, and a headache fit to split, and locusts, and sloths, and ptarmigans, and the Death Squirrel.

(11) And the women of Sylvania did lift their hands to the heavens, and they cried unto the Almighty, "Why has Thou inflicted such woe upon us, O Lord? Our wombs cry out in suffering, and our clothes have become too tight, and the Death Squirrel hath eaten all our cereal, and we know not what a ptarmigan is. What must we do to avoid ever feeling this craptastic again? Shall we slay the fatted calf, make burnt offerings to Thy Majesty? What wouldst Thou have of us, O Lord?"

(12) And God sayeth unto them, "If thou wouldst never feel the Period Ick, thou must be a man."

(13) And the women of Sylvania did say, "Um..not so much, Lord."

(14) And the Lord God did reply, tersely, "That's what I thought."

(15) And the women of Sylvania did return to their labors, grumbling, popping handfuls of Advil, and they did snarl at the men, who knew not how to cope.

(16) And the men of Sylvania did tremble before the women, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. 

(17) "O God," the men did cry, "Why hast Thou afflicted womankind with such monthly malevolence, that we men might die upon their blades for leaving up the toilet seat? God, Thou art mighty and just, and we who are made in Thine image do beseech Thee for succor!"

(18) And God did look over at the Goddess with a shrug, and the Goddess said unto the men, "Shut up and bring me some pie, and then bring pie unto all the women of Sylvania, that there may be peace in all the land."

(19) And God added, "You'd better listen, boys.  She's bleeding too."

(20) And the men did bring pie, and it was good.

This was written about a month ago in a fit of frustration and then posted to my personal blog and MySpace page, so if you're having a moment of deja vu, you might have seen it before.  I suppose I should say this is intended as humor and not in any way meant to offend any Christian readers I might have with its satirically Biblical tone.

And yes, I know what a ptarmigan is.  :)

Comments

Girlfriend,
Get thyself to the professional clinic at the Academy of Oriental Medicine at Austin, and make an appointment with Zheng Zheg or Yuxia Qiu - they are both *amazing* women, and will fix your female troubles easily.

In Oriental Medicine, the troubles you describe are not normal (though they are common), and are indications of imbalances in the body that acupuncture and herbs can fix.

Just sayin'. If I'd known about this when I was younger, I wouldn't have suffered like you are. Working with both women during my time in Austin made my menopause ***much*** easier than the usual.

{{{Sylvan}}}

[Erik]

OK, my wife and I were both rolling over this one... thanks!

[s1ren]

*ROFLMAO*

Oh, thank you. I saw that last month, but thank you again. I needed that, today. :o)

And you know, for some reason, when I read this, I hear it in the Monty Python Holy Hand Grenade voice. ;D

[bailey21975]

I loved this. Reposting with credit to share with friends.

After reading "The Body Sacred" a few months ago, I started reading "The Circle Within" this morning, and it has already touched me. Thank you.

[bailey21975]

I loved this. Reposting with credit to share with friends.

After reading "The Body Sacred" a few months ago, I started reading "The Circle Within" this morning, and it has already touched me. Thank you.

[Danmara]

*grins* Thanks for posting this. I needed a laugh today. *now to send a link to all of my female friends*

ROFLMAO That was terrific!

[malory]

that was awesome!

[Isabel]

I just loved this!!! It´s so sweet. :-) Thank you!

[Zion Mystic]

Christian reader here; not offended! Found it funny.

[FatChick]

I think that this is my favorite blog post in the whole wide world!

[LR]

Love it! Sylvania, wasn't that founded by the fabled twins of yore, Tylenol and Midol?