Sacred Sexuality, or Something

My goodness, an awful lot of people want me to talk about sex.  Sex, and God.  Pagans have awesome priorities.

I'm actually not being facetious when I say that.

As far as sacred sexuality goes, I'm not sure I'm your girl. 

(The following post is intended for...well, people who want to hear about my sex life.  It's not explicit or anything, but it is Too Much Information in places.  Fair warning.)

My sexual history is not pretty, and I haven't really done much in the way of sex magic or ritual because I'm still quite thrilled just to get off without crying.  Without going into the details, let's just say I'm a survivor.  What's sad is that I know I'm hardly unique in this among Pagan women (and men too).  Many of us, no, most of us, come to Paganism wounded, either by the religions of our youth or by family, strangers, relationships, addictions...sometimes all at once.  I know people who were molested by clergymen (not just Catholic priests, who hardly have the monopoly on sexual abuse); people who had alcoholic and abusive parents; people who were assaulted and abused in all kinds of ways by all kinds of people, and who turned to drinking, drugs, or spiritual pathology to fill the ragged holes left by that violence. 

Coming to Wicca, then, was both tremendously liberating and terrifying.  Suddenly I was inundated with sexual imagery and language.  Rituals, group interaction, hell, even the Wheel of the Year itself was based in all this hypersexual symbology that turned me off even as it seemed to turn so many people on.  I was even supposed to worship a deity who was basically a horny half-goat with a holy thundercock.  This is one of the primary reasons why I had no relationship with Him whatsoever for the first few years of my practice. (And why the only statue I have of the God is a small brass Shiva Nataraj.  He is otherwise represented on my altar by a figure of two deer entwined, and recently by an actual antler that was gifted to me.)

When you have been victimized, how do you reclaim your sexuality and embrace a religion whose very existence is steeped in sexual mystery?  Or to broaden the scope--how many people do you know without some form of sexual repression, obsession, trauma, or other issues, or at least the chains of body image bondage?  Where does a person with this sort of history even start reclaiming that passion and pleasure that is ours by birthright?

It isn't easy, especially when so many of our brethren seem to have swung the other way and are going at it like mad rabbits 24/7 (at least, to hear them talk).  There's a level of creepy smarm at every festival, usually involving a guy in a loincloth who thinks he's a wolf spirit and goes around sniffing women and sitting on their furniture naked without a towel.  There are also the Polyamory People, who just give me the wiggins, and the "You're a female Pagan, therefore you must be bisexual" people, and the Spanking People...I could go on for hours.

This is not to say that there is anything at all wrong with polyamory, S&M, or any form of consensual adult sexuality.  Hey, do whatever gets you there as long as no animals are harmed and everyone remembers the safe word.  But once your sexuality consumes your entire life, you enter a zone that's going to wig me out.  If you need a duffel bag full of gear to have sex or cast Circle, dude, you're trying too hard.

This is also not to say that the majority of Pagans are creepy or smarmy.  There are plenty of perfectly discreet, mature folk out there who don't feel the need to advertise when/how/where they get laid.  You know, adults.  But as with so many things, the empty barrel makes the most noise.  The perfectly discreet mature folk are at their campsites enjoying the company of friends and good mead, while the empty barrels are at the revel fire catching all the new Pagans who don't know where to go and ensuring they won't come back, assuming they don't go home with an STD, an embryo, or worse.

One might wonder:  if a woman came into Paganism already bearing a traumatic sexual history, how much harder would it be for her to find any sense of her own sanctity if she reaches out to her newfound community only to be assaulted again by the very people, in the very place, that was supposed to represent that sanctity?

It's very, very hard.  In fact, it's been seven years and I'm still not sure how far I've come.  It's taken me this long to allow myself to be vulnerable with a man; vulnerable enough to cry, vulnerable enough to let my guard down when we are together and scratch and claw and do more than just lie there. 

To get back to the idea of polyamory, which another reader had asked for my commentary on:  I am at heart a monogamist, and almost 80% heterosexual.  My ideal relationship would be with one male human (okay, one slightly swishy male Elf).  My primary objection to polyamory is that it never seems to work very well for very long, without scads and scads of drama and angst multiplied by the number of partners.  I don't have a moral objection to it at all; my objections are purely pragmatic.  I'm sure it works well for some people--just not a lot of people I've met.

That being said, I seem to have stumbled headlong into some brand of polyamory this past year, and so far I have no complaints other than the fact that I live in Austin and my lovers live in San Antonio.  That's a far bigger downer than anything else. 

I am extraordinarily lucky in my lovers, finally.  They are both magical people, clergy among their tradition, and aside from being mind-blowingly magnificent in the sack, have got mojo to spare.  I feel completely safe around them, and around their family; I am able to shed some of the worry and let down some of the walls, and I even wept like an orphan in their bed not long ago.  I have no labels for our relationship and don't want any; I have no expectations of where it will go.  For once I am giving up control of a situation and just letting it unfold as it must.  But I am blessed, truly blessed. 

Even before the advent of Sylvan's Tumble into the Poly Puddle, I struggled daily with the disconnect between my body and my mind that made sex a purely physical act divorced from my spirit.  I have deep-seated tendencies toward self hatred and self-abnegation because of things that have been done to my body, and those wounds take a long time to heal.  I have made a lot of progress, but there is still work before me.  Damage that takes years to do will not be undone in months.  There are a lot of layers of pain to be faced, especially for a person like myself who has trained herself to bottle up emotion and lock it down where it cannot be seen or heard.  Obviously this is a flawed strategy, which results in baggage galore, mind-altering medications, and extremely long blog posts.

How do you face such issues?  What do you do?  Well,the first thing I found useful was to stop having sex.  That's right.  Celibacy, ladies and gentlemen.  Or rather, stop having sex with anyone who isn't your hand or doesn't have "Hitachi" stamped on the side.  Take some time--decide on a deadline if you want--to just be with yourself, to spend time learning your body, touching and testing and looking for the joy buzzer, and get comfortable in your own skin before letting someone else play with it.  Sex is a great time, yes, and a good way to occupy yourself between Superbowl commercials, but it's also a sacred interplay of the Divine Masculine and Feminine (in whatever forms it expresses itself).  By allowing someone into your body you allow them through your shields, into the core of  your energy, into the flesh that surrounds you for this Earthwalk and helps shape who you are.  This isn't a gift to be handed out like t-shirts at a football game.  It's how we get babies, how we connect to one another, how we bind hearts together.  That's worth taking some time out first, isn't it?  Life isn't an episode of Sex and the City, thank gods.  One can live for a week or two without blow jobs or new shoes.

There's so much more involved in recovery from abuse, and in reclaiming one's sexuality, that I could never cover it in a single blog post.  I barely know where to start.  I would recommend my book The Body Sacred to anyone who's interested in overcoming body image bondage, which lies at the root of a lot of sexual repression. 

Another book, called Aphrodite's Daughters by Jalaja Bonheim, explores the connection between sexual experience and spiritual unfolding.  I highly recommend it.

So there, you have my perspective on sexuality.  It's something I am still learning about.  I do know that I have practiced sex magic sort-of-unintentionally, although not an outward-focused ritualistic variety, more of a "shooting the universe through your chakras" variety that I find much more satisfying than some tantric "pose of a leaping gnome" thing that involves having my feet behind my head while balancing my buttocks on a kumquat.  Rather, I like sexual energy play, and a sort of shamanic tantric dissolution-into-unity, more than the ceremonial approach I've seen elsewhere.  If it comes naturally (pardon the pun), I'm more likely to get something out of it than if I have to think.  If I'm thinking during sex, you're doing it wrong.  I should be making animal noises and tearing holes in the duvet, losing my grasp of English and speaking in tongues.  To quote Margaret Cho, "I get ugly, I get into it, I put on a lobster bib, and I go to town."

I'm sure I'll have more to say on the subject later, but this was as good a place as any to start.  Now, at least, you know where I'm coming from when I talk about it later on.

Comments

[Adam]

You are such a great person and writer, I love it!

Your book, The Circle Within, ment more to me than I could say. Thank you. I've read it now maybe 10 times.

I can't wait for your next post and or book!

-Adam

[mama kelly]

Thank you for such raw honesty. I have been a Witch for 20 years and have lived with the backlash of being the "lone monogomist" as well the "joy" of living in a body that (due to traumas and illness) no longer enjoys sex the way it used to.

Thank you for helping me feel less alone.

[Erik]

Bless you for your ability to see yourself so clearly, and your willingness to tell your story... may those who most need to hear it, do so.

Aphrodite can bring sexual healing as well as erotic desire. I pray that she continue to work in your life, and in the lives of all - women AND men - who need such healing.

[Joe]

Dianne,

I connected very much with what you said. I have also struggled with body image as well as deep seated intimacy issues, physical and emotional and have been celibate for a long time. In fact I've never really had lovers or a relationship. just a few fumblings as a twentysomething. Every step forward, sometimes one a year, is a victory for me. I deeply admire you and your honesty about your life and the things you struggle with. I hate whats been done to all of us. How wounded we all are, how hard it is to trust. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only pagan in the world. coming to this website and reading your blogs makes me feel connected to an actual community. I'm a sylvanite. One day I hope to make love to a person instead of the refrigerator.

love ya
Joe

[Lisa]

This was an excellent read!
Thanks so much for posting this. As someone new to Wicca (about a year and half), I'm just glad to know others think about sexual exploration and it's connections with spiritual exploration.

While I do enjoy sex, and the otherworldy tantric experience it brings, I do not think it is necessary for rituals. Yes of course there is the 5 fold kiss, and the Great Rite which are quite obviously sexual (some may also argue that skyclad rituals are sexual, depending on their comfort level with nudity). One of the gods I pray to is Eros, and my first encounter with a god was with Eros. So yes, for me sex (or perhaps better termed eroticism) is intertwined with spiritual rising, if only in the form of the goddess and god mating, and continuing the cycle for another year.

I'm glad to hear you have a niche, and blessed be.

Lisa

[RevAllyson]

Oh, I do understand. We're poly (there are 5 adults and countless kids in two households) and we had our drama time. I think all relationships do, but the poly ones have so many more people that it makes it moreso. We've settled, though, and although we're open about who and what we are, we aren't pushy, either. You're much more likely to run into Gray and me, or Gray and sis, or me and Farnham, out and about, than all of us, unless a birthday celebration is involved. :)

I had my abuse, too, though it was long before paganism came into my life. I countered it by spending my high school career being the school tramp. It embarasses me now, but at the time I thought I was So Cool. *sigh* When I met my husband, I thought it was True Love... then found out he was cheating on me, regularily. Luckily I never found out via a disease, but when we split, I took a little over a year off of sex. I took care of myself, for stress and tension relief, but that was it. I rediscovered myself, and my spirituality. I have to agree with you -that time is amazing time.

And at the end of it, I was VERY lucky to meet a man who was gentle and sweet and very dedicated, as a friend, who helped reintroduce me into the world of naked bodily contact. He spent nights just holding me, not doing anything forward. He never rushed me. He let me know that I was special for reasons other than what was under my clothes. He died a couple of years ago, very quickly, but at the height of success. It was a sad loss, one I still mourn today.

Thank you for sharing. Your words always inspire me. :)

[Sara]

Dianne,
that was a very open and deep post. Thank you for sharing. I can really relate to a lot of what you have been through.
Thank you.

May you be blessed.

[mariele]

Sylvan thankyouthankyouthankyou. I came to Wicca through the Goddess for a very specific reason - I finally found divinity in being a woman. It's blossomed since that time, but, while the wounds heal they don't disappear. You carry them forever. Anna Ahkmatova voiced it for me, "we must forgive, but, let nothing be forgotten."
Blessings

[Thalia]

Bright bright blessings of kindness and healing to you, Dianne, and thank you for sharing all that.

I don't know how any woman can relate to a man without some kind of fear in this culture; we're taught to fear them, and with good reason a lot of the time. And I haven't particularly been abused, personally, just absorbed the crap surrounding me.

I'll agree that celibacy of the Hitachi kind is the way to go, or at least that it's been working for me. Sometimes you just can't go there, and that's okay.

As for relating to the God, with me He has to be very very gentle and very very kind, because the thundering, awe-inspiring approach just wouldn't work with me; I just have too much fear and I'd end up curled in a ball in the corner, whimpering. Luckily, He knows this.

[Danmara]

"I have no labels for our relationship and don't want any; I have no expectations of where it will go. For once I am giving up control of a situation and just letting it unfold as it must. But I am blessed, truly blessed. "

DAMN girl!!! You go! I wish I could do that. I really, truly do. I *need* to do that, actually, but I'm somehow unable to.

Something for me to think about today...

[Amelia June]

Just wanted to say I found you via...stuff that makes you uncomfortable, but I'm glad to have done so as I'm on a pagan path with a strong sexual and spiritual bent to me, body acceptance issues, etc. etc. etc.

Can't wait to see more of you on my feed reader :D

[Saoise Devyn]

I have followed your blog for a long time before subscribing. I've laughed with you, cried with you - -if I could, I would adopt you! I love the way you write, you remind me so much of my daughter - another snarky, bitchy, chubby chick with a good sense of humor and a similarly scared background. I respect your insight. You enhance us in your ability to express the human condition and I feel honored to share the glimpes of your life that you share with us.

[Anon]

My story is startlingly similar to yours, though I considered myself about 20% heterosexual - before I actually had sex and for my first few adventures, the body/spirit divide was pronounced. I fell into an odd poly situation that was the best thing I had ever felt, physically and emotionally. My lovers lived several states away, and I only saw them every few months for a couple of years. The relationship ended naturally, quietly, with no fanfare but only the best wishes on both sides. I am now engaged to a man I have known for years and love more than I could have imagined.

I like reading your spiritual insight into your situation, and knowing that there are others out there like me. Thank you for telling your story.

[Celeste Bradford]

I love the book, "Aphrodite's Daughter's" too. I am grateful for my own sexual healing and think all is complicated by the fact that we need to heal our own wounds and let go of those imposed upon us by society. I am happily married to my husband and love him and all his manliness.
-Thank you and Blessed Be
-Celelste, www.goddesstalk.net

[Luna]

Hi, thank you for your candidness and reason with this issue. I have to confess I'm not a fan of the poly scene, having been burned by some people who claim they are part of it. What's worse is that these are people I've done ritual with, so their betrayal and thoughtlessness cuts even deeper. I have written on my own blog about this issue here: http://stars-for-eyes.blogspot.com/2008/03/how-to-recognize-sacred.html. Please understand that my words may sound harsh because of the kind of experiences I've had recently. I'm still in the venting stage. But I deeply appreciate your perspective. My sweetheart is a survivor as well.

[Mozena Greezin]

Thanks for acknowledging that there can be a place for celibacy in Pagan practice. Unfortunately, some seem to think that if one is not having sex, and plenty of it, one is surely Repressed or worse.

[Kai]

I appreciate your writing about Wicca and your thoughts. As another Wiccan in a country where 1,999 out of every 2,000 people are Catholic... you know the rest. I submitted this blog entry for a contest for best blog posts. Hope you get in their book.

[Kai]

I appreciate your writing about Wicca and your thoughts. As another Wiccan in a country where 1,999 out of every 2,000 people are Catholic... you know the rest. I submitted this blog entry for a contest for best blog posts. Hope you get in their book.

[Mary]

Thank you for this post. A childhood assault compounded by body image problems pretty much puts me in flight or fight mode in any sexual situation. And yet my exploration of religions and philosophies has lead me to the conclusion that paganism best suits my outlook on the world and our place in it. Go figure, considering the sexual aspect just reinforces my sense of being a misfit. Your post is a welcome perspective.

[Inara de Luna]

I'm thankful to have read your perspective and some of your story, as it gives me pause to consider how I might be contributing to the pain and discomfort others like you may feel. You see, I run a temple of sacred sexuality, and I offer numerous rituals of healing and celebration at Pagan festivals. I would hate to know that anyone felt uncomfortable at one of my events, due to a history of abuse or assault. Your post has inspired me to develop a workshop for those who are even more deeply wounded than the rest of us who have simply grown up in this sex-negative society.

May the Goddess bless you and hold you in Her loving embrace.

Inara de Luna

[Inara de Luna]

I'm thankful to have read your perspective and some of your story, as it gives me pause to consider how I might be contributing to the pain and discomfort others like you may feel. You see, I run a temple of sacred sexuality, and I offer numerous rituals of healing and celebration at Pagan festivals. I would hate to know that anyone felt uncomfortable at one of my events, due to a history of abuse or assault. Your post has inspired me to develop a workshop for those who are even more deeply wounded than the rest of us who have simply grown up in this sex-negative society.

May the Goddess bless you and hold you in Her loving embrace.

Inara de Luna