A is for Ahimsa

I can't see the tattoo, but I'm always aware of its presence. It is the cardinal virtue of my personal worldview, etched into my skin for the rest of my life.

So far I'm kind of fucking it up.

I admit I went a little crazy when my cat died. It was very similar to the temporary insanity that took over my life when my brother committed suicide almost five years ago, but this time compounded by the fact that while I had drifted apart from my brother as we grew older, Cosmo was such a part of my everyday world that I didn't know how to function without him.

It's a testament to how much I've grown in the last few years that this time I didn't do anything stupid--I fell apart, yes, and I mourned (and still do), but the most outlandish thing I did was get a tattoo that I had already planned to get anyway.

The problem is that a tattoo isn't just a piece of living art--it's an invocation. You'd think I would have learned my lesson by now--first a butterfly, then a spider, then a snake. Like any initiatory experience I committed myself to the process of change, and when I got Ahimsa tattooed on my neck back in May I did it again.

Hi, my name is Sylvan, and I'm a Scorpio.

Hi, I'm a Scorpio, and we are initiation junkies.

Anyone who reads this blog regularly knows that I am a believer in ethical veganism. It may be a little less widely known that I am very bad at ethical veganism. Because of my existing food issues--issues with self-worth, self-nourishment, and body image--I have had an incredibly hard time abstaining from animal products even though the ideals of veganism are very important to me. When I am in the midst of a severe depressive phase I turn into a cheese-inhaling juggernaut. It has nothing to do with the animals--it has to do with harming myself. In the past decade I have poisoned my body with every variety of crap food known to humankind, and have passively attempted suicide over and over by letting my health slide so far down that I could barely function (to say nothing of finding clothes that fit).

So, I admit I am a lapsed vegan. I also admit that I have been horrible to my body this year. (Okay, most of my life.)

But as I mentioned, I am a Scorpio, and we love a good transformative experience. We crave the itch of shedding skin. We rack up frequent flier miles to the Underworld every chance we get. Sometimes I think we sabotage our own growth just for the thrill of reinventing ourselves.

Is this a good thing? Not necessarily. A great many Scorps get stuck halfway through the process and either go crazy or turn into complete bitches. Some work their way out, some just stay in the darkness and lash out--passive aggression is another of our specialties...as is serial murder, but we won't go into that.

But it does mean that we are also very powerful. So when we finally do put the full force of our Will behind change, by god, we change.

It is this regenerative power that I need desperately to harness right now.

What I have learned this year is this: the concept of ahimsa cannot just apply to animals, or to exploited populations, or to the homeless or to anyone in need of compassion in action. It must also apply to ourselves. Many of my decisions, from eating unhealthy animal products to stubbornly turning away from that which is good for me, stem from a pathological need to commit violence to myself. But violence cannot be contained. Someone who kicks puppies will eventually hit people. Someone who harms herself, even passively, loses the compassion that guided her to leave off the consumption of animals in the first place. We become inured to violence in any form, and eventually it leaks into our lives from all angles.

This has been the primary lesson of my 30th year. It's been a real laugh riot, let me tell you. But it has led me to make a few decisions that I am finally ready to share with the larger world. I just needed the right time and the right forum to do so.

That in mind, I am about to launch a new blog, Stumbling Towards Ahimsa. It will be a companion to Dancing Down the Moon (not a replacement, I still intend to write here) that will deal specifically with the physical aspect of my life. Health, veganism, food, exercise, sacred body issues, and making peace with my body. It will build on ideas from The Body Sacred but also be primarily a chronicle of my own work as I attempt to learn to love myself better, care for myself better, and by doing so extend that compassion from my heart to my body, and from my body to the world. The blog will talk about my Nia practice, about any yoga or other kinds of movement I take up, about my weight issues, and how all of it is part of my grand plan to go, and stay, vegan once and for all--not just for the animals I care about, but for my own health and my own spiritual evolution.

I have known for a long time that I would not be able to advance spiritually until I had finally overcome this mountain, and I think the new blog will help me do that.

As I understand that the subject matter isn't to everyone's taste, I'll have Stumbling Towards Ahimsa on its own blog, and post weekly updates on DDtM about what I've talked about to try and pique interest among my regular readers here.

Just for everyone's information, I don't intend the blog to be an anti-meat-eater blog, or a hardcore diatribe every day about animal abuses. I may have the occasional rant or post links to similar things, but mostly I want to invoke the concept of ahimsa as dynamic harmlessness--attracting peace and health by behaving in a peaceful, healthy manner.

At heart, the new blog will be about my journey through this terrain, and is not meant as a set of rules or edicts about how anyone else should live. It's a journey I think people might be enriched by taking with me. At the very least you might learn something about vegan cooking and get a few awesome recipes. It won't be a food blog but food will definitely be a big part of it.

In fact, October is Vegan MoFo, or Vegan Month of Food, a challenge to vegan food bloggers to write every weekday about vegan food--cooking, preparing, recipes, stories, what have you. I plan to start with Vegan MoFo on October 1, the official launch of the new blog.

Meanwhile here on DDtM, I'm starting an alphabetical series--an alphabetical exploration of the aspects of my spirituality that are important to me. A is for Ahimsa, obviously. What is B? Feel free to suggest a B.

Comments

[Ro]

Why do you limit consciousness to things that have eyes?

I believe that everything we consume has spirit and consciousness of a sort, a power, a medicine. I am not here to debate veganism, but since you appear to beat yourself up with it due to your "failure" to maintain the strict lifestyle, I present to you a concept: why don't you listen to your intuition and your body about your nutrition, and not a movement or group of people? Who knows your body better?

That said, the next time you eat anything I hope you are thanking it for its sacrifice, be it animal, vegetable or mineral. Everything we consume gives up its vitality so that we can have ours. Ideally, in a natural way, we would go to the earth and feed them when we cross over.

[Mel]

May this next step take you so much closer to where you want to go. I'll be interested to check out your new blog :)

The only B that comes to mind right now is your butterfly tattoo- why you got it and what went haywire after you did. Or... your thoughts on the Grace of Beauty, maybe? Or anything you feel like :D

[NenTara]

B: body

[Michele]

Love the tat!....love following your personal journey's dark and otherwise....you are an inspiration; to humanity, to humility, and I am grateful to have come across your words.
Can I ask your advice as to where I can find a translator for a similiar tattoo? I would like to get the words: Knowledge, Truth, Wisdom, Grace tattooed in either Sanskrit or Tibetan on my right wrist, but I can't find a decent on translator. Would you mind sending me an email with any ideas? Or maybe your other readers might know?
Thanks,
Michele

[ariandalen]

I really enjoy reading your blogs, even if I don't comment regularly. :)

Beauty is a good B word, as is Butterfly. Considering the time of year how about Bounty or Bountiful?

[Tabitha]

Good luck with that. It seems to be a big step about where you want to go in life, and something you want to pursue. It's hard to give up a habit we've had for most of our lives- especially one that has been ingrained since childhood.

B: beatific? I like the butterfly idea too.

Tab

[R]

I was going to say 'Beauty' but since someone already said it I'll say 'Boundaries'.

[Heather]

I'm looking forward to reading your new blog. Good luck on your journey.

[Sarah]

I related to so much of what you said here. Really, so freakin' much! We are on amazingly similar paths ('cept I'm a Pisces). My jaw dropped when I read this post. You said so eloquently things that I've been feeling and thinking for a long time. In fact, I just began my own blog about those same issues, about finding my Bliss Medley, the perfect balance.

Can't wait to read Stumbling Toward Ahimsa.

Blog to Heal!

Sarah

[racu]

Bee bop

You can shoot me later.

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I got a similar tattoo on the neck, maybe i can send you some pictures let me know.

[Children Anxiety Disorder]

I really like the tatto with style..