That's Me in the Corner...That's Me in the Spotlight

Here I am, on the precipice of 2010, looking back at a year gone seriously awry.  Between the disheartening political climate and Death working overtime to make off with people and animals we know and love, and my own personal roller coaster of emotional dysfunction, it's tempting to write off 2009 in its entirety as a 365-day catastrofuck and pretend it never happened.

Strangely, though, I don't want to do that. 

Things have changed.  The last month or so has been an initiation the likes of which I haven't seen since at least 2004.  Now that I'm on the other side of it, I find myself grateful both that 2009 is over with, and that it happened in the first place.

This year marked one of the most significant accomplishments of my life:  I wrote, and sold, a novel.  I discovered lots of new music, read some amazing books, saw some awesome movies, spent time with my friends and family, had some startling realizations, bought a Macbook, and even joined Facebook, which I swore I'd never do. 

I also allowed my health to decline to the point that I'm in near-constant pain and discomfort.  I spent a good 3/4 of the year mired in depression. 

And, essentially, I lost my religion. 

My patron deities are no longer with me.  It might have seemed based on my blogging that this was the case months ago, but apparently I was very, very wrong; Lilith and I had unfinished business, and that unfinished business nearly cost me my sanity.  Drastic measures had to be taken.  There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

And now She's gone.  I realize now that Her absence is complete that when I thought She had left before, I was mistaken.  The difference is obvious.  The candles are lit, but nobody's home. 

Jeff is also gone.  We hadn't spoken in a long time, and I finally realized that He isn't coming back. 

The sense of absence in my house, and in my mind, is almost palpable, and while part of me is grieving, part of me is also incredibly relieved. 

I have no idea what happens now.  To tell the truth finding new patron deities is not my #1 concern.  The process of parting the ways was so intense, and the personal upheaval so complete, that my brain is basically running 24/7 trying to defrag itself and, if you were to look into my mind's eye, you see a spinning rainbow ball.  (Or an hourglass, if you're a PC.)  I'm not sure where my spirituality is going to go next, or what changes this will bring in what you read here. 

But even with all the drama, and all the pain, I'm grateful.  For all the turmoil, and the sleepless nights, I'm grateful.  For rediscovering the strength I thought I had lost, I'm grateful.  For having my entire being set on fire, I'm grateful. 

There's beauty in falling, and even more in rising up.

So, 2009, thanks for coming.  You can go now.  No hard feelings, okay?

Welcome, 2010.

_{(The above image is from Brian Froud's Faery Oracle.)}

Comments

[Katie]

Oh, honey, I feel it. I can't even talk about it. Reading your words makes me feel a little less alone.

[marie]

Such a beautiful and thoughtful post. I hadn't yet done the summing up of the year in my own mind yet and it took me by surprise to see what you wrote. 2009!! Going, going gone!! Thank you for your insights... and honesty. I am constantly amazed at how this thing called the internet can reach into my heart and effect me so...wishing the very best to you in 2010.

[Hermgirl]

You know, I feel like I know what you've been through in your break with your patron goddess, with the "wailing and gnashing of teeth."

I went through that once myself, but it was with somebody named Jesus. Much yelling at the top of my lungs.

It's hard, and it doesn't feel good while it's happening, but it gets better.

[M. Ashley]

Recently a very wise atheist friend said something profound--"Be grateful for spiritual discomfort, even disaster, because without it, you wouldn't grow".

As I've gone through many of the feelings you mentioned, going back and forth between following well-worn comfortable spiritual paths and wrestling with the thorniness of forging new ones, I remember what he said and it is comforting, because even if it is painful, I always want to be growing. If I stop doing that, everything else stops too.

[belle]

I can relate ! 2009 was my year of frustration and accepting limitations But, the real harvest ?
My sanity ! I find solace in astrology. The cycles are consistent, unlike Matrons !
I have experienced changes is what Goddess and Paganism means to me too.
Loss of deep (and comfortable) alignments was scary, but I am paying attention; she (or even he) will return in some form and I will be ready.
May you have a blessed 2010. My only resolution is to fall back in love with the world.

[Mariele]

Boy oh boy are you so ever right about 2009!
2010 starts with a Blue Moon in Cancer - ahhh, feel the warm.

[RevAllyson]

Life is... challenging. I read your journal whenever you post, and find it uplifting, honest, and enjoyable. Your honesty makes me feel good about my own foibles and failures, as well as my successes. May 2010 be a year of joyous discovery for you!

[Rose]

I couldn't agree more. 2008 seemed to be a hellish year for almost everyone I know, but I mark 2009 as my own personal disaster. Catastrofuck, I love that word! :D But now we can all make a fresh start, right? Banish the old, welcome the new? I wish you all the best in the upcoming year and I do hope you have more time, energy and inspiration to post on your blog a little more often than you used to :)

[Rose]

I was there almost 15 years ago. I left my deities behind. Now the whole universe is sacred to me and it doesn't matter if the Gods are personal or not. The Universe is real so She is real because She is all that is.

May 2010 be blessed.

A recommended reading list can be found at my website in progress www.whisperinguniverse.moogo.com

[Lavanah]

I read this post (and I have been through similar times) and thought "bread dough." It needs to be kneaded and pummeled, it rises, gets punched down and rises again. Only then, does it have enough strength to hold its own shape.

[Jaka Merriman]

It sounds very much like a case of being between the doors closing and the windows opening, if that makes sense. Remember that these timesinbetween can be some of the most useful and reviving. And while it's sad to hear your deities have gone, I have unerring faith that you'll rediscover your path.

Thinking happy thoughts for you, dear.

[Amber]

"catastrofuck" =

I love you. I really, really love you.