Here I am, on the precipice of 2010, looking back at a year gone seriously awry. Between the disheartening political climate and Death working overtime to make off with people and animals we know and love, and my own personal roller coaster of emotional dysfunction, it's tempting to write off 2009 in its entirety as a 365-day catastrofuck and pretend it never happened.
Strangely, though, I don't want to do that.
Things have changed. The last month or so has been an initiation the likes of which I haven't seen since at least 2004. Now that I'm on the other side of it, I find myself grateful both that 2009 is over with, and that it happened in the first place.
This year marked one of the most significant accomplishments of my life: I wrote, and sold, a novel. I discovered lots of new music, read some amazing books, saw some awesome movies, spent time with my friends and family, had some startling realizations, bought a Macbook, and even joined Facebook, which I swore I'd never do.
I also allowed my health to decline to the point that I'm in near-constant pain and discomfort. I spent a good 3/4 of the year mired in depression.
And, essentially, I lost my religion.My patron deities are no longer with me. It might have seemed based on my blogging that this was the case months ago, but apparently I was very, very wrong; Lilith and I had unfinished business, and that unfinished business nearly cost me my sanity. Drastic measures had to be taken. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
And now She's gone. I realize now that Her absence is complete that when I thought She had left before, I was mistaken. The difference is obvious. The candles are lit, but nobody's home.
Jeff is also gone. We hadn't spoken in a long time, and I finally realized that He isn't coming back.
The sense of absence in my house, and in my mind, is almost palpable, and while part of me is grieving, part of me is also incredibly relieved.
I have no idea what happens now. To tell the truth finding new patron deities is not my #1 concern. The process of parting the ways was so intense, and the personal upheaval so complete, that my brain is basically running 24/7 trying to defrag itself and, if you were to look into my mind's eye, you see a spinning rainbow ball. (Or an hourglass, if you're a PC.) I'm not sure where my spirituality is going to go next, or what changes this will bring in what you read here.
But even with all the drama, and all the pain, I'm grateful. For all the turmoil, and the sleepless nights, I'm grateful. For rediscovering the strength I thought I had lost, I'm grateful. For having my entire being set on fire, I'm grateful.
There's beauty in falling, and even more in rising up.
So, 2009, thanks for coming. You can go now. No hard feelings, okay?
(The above image is from Brian Froud's Faery Oracle.)