On crises of faith

Sara Winn over at Pagan Godspell posed an interesting question yesterday about Pagans and crises of faith.

I started to comment on her post, but as usual got so long-winded I decided just to ramble about it here. I suggest reading her post, as well as the comments, so you'll have a better idea what I'm on about.

Sara is absolutely right in noting that crises of faith are not something Pagans talk about. In fact, if you go by the available literature, we're living lives of incredible prosperity, love, and awesome sex--just look at all the spell books! Truth be told, we're just as screwed up as anyone else, and have many of the same kinds of problems.

Hardly anyone writes about the downsides of Wiccan belief: alienation from the mainstream; total responsibility for your own life; a community that isn't much of one, half the time; and then there are the problems that everyone encounters regardless of religion, such as trying to live your beliefs and hold onto some hope and joy in a world determined to crush the life out of both.

I've been a Wiccan for 13 years and have had several crises of faith, usually caused by a traumatic event that led me to question not the reality of Deity's existence, but whether or not Deity gave a damn about me, and whether I had the power to actually change anything in a universe so vast and complicated that seemingly random disaster could befall me just as easily as it could befall someone who believed in nothing.

I consider my spirituality integral to my being just like many Pagans, but I don't think that eliminates the possibility of a crisis of faith--humans are fallible, and every once in a while those intellectually rigorous enough to periodically re-examine their beliefs will be led to ask, "Am I fooling myself? Is any of this even real?" (My conclusion is that in the end it doesn't matter if it's "real" or not. As long as it enriches your life and doesn't hurt anyone you can worship Spaghetti Monsters or Tolkien characters or Klingons and it's every bit as valid, to you, as any other path. You just have to be prepared to be laughed at if you show up to a public ritual and start intoning in interstellar Esperanto.)

Depending on the circumstances, this questioning can either just be hypothetical, or it can lead to a full-on crisis of faith. It doesn't mean the practitioner is any less devout than someone who never feels the need to reevaluate her direction in life. I think that these crises, while unbearable at the time, end up being just the catalyst we need to evolve spiritually, provided we come out of them stronger and not embittered.

What I've observed is that in Paganism most people don't hit a crisis and become atheists, they hit a crisis and question what their role is in the universe, what exactly Deity is, and most often, whether magic is real. The other major crisis I've encountered is community crisis--a lot of people lose their zeal for Wicca, for example, when they have to deal with actual Wiccans. If they get out into the community and meet the creeps/weirdos/perverts/assholes/flakes among us too soon (and they always do, for some reason, I guess an empty barrel makes the most noise), they are driven from the faith entirely or end up solitaires for life.

I found a lot of resonance with Serenity's story, actually--it sounds similar to my own experiences. There have been times I've said to myself, "It would be so much easier just to be Christian again. There would be ministers and books and support groups and television stations to turn to when life sucks like this." In the end, though, I realized that turning to another religion would be living a lie, and that true spiritual growth isn't meant to be easy.

Again, our youth is a stumbling block. As one of my commenters said a while back, just go and try to find "Pagan grief counseling" or similar in your phone book. The world at large is not set up to support our beliefs, and that can make it even harder to come back from a crisis of faith. It's especially hard for those who practice alone.

My own experiences have solidified and tempered my faith rather than leaving it weakened. At some point in everyone's life, things are going to go spectacularly to pieces. It's how you glue the bits back together that counts.

Comments

[Rose]

Sylvan:

YOu know how you are always saying that the pagan community needs more in-depth books about how to handle the everyday crises pagans run onto in the process of living - like the Christians and Muslims etc? I can smell an awsome book here. Maybe find a pagan who has a psychology or social work degree and co-author something for us. I'd be happy to add my own story of my crisis of faith if it would help.

Sincerely,

Rose

[heather]

The "creeps/weirdos/perverts/assholes/flakes" line cracked me up. I've been to one public ritual since I became a pagan and that about sums up the group. That was a group that seemed the most normal before I met them. Other groups demanded that I prove I was pagan and meet them in public before being taken to their secret meeting place. Uh, no thanks.

[Serenity, The City Witch]

I so appreciated that someone could relate and I appreciated so much your saying so...life is not all love and light 24-7, and neither is being a Pagan...if we could be more real about the experience, maybe then the Pagan community and faith could REALLY start to grow...I know I have been waiting on it for 21 years now....please write that book on the downside of Paganism (because Goddess knows I loved your others!!!)

Bright Blessings!
Serenity, The City Witch

[Renee]

I think anyone can have a crisis of faith no matter what their religion is. We just have stay focused on our paths. And we have to remember that not all Pagans are assholes. I have had my share of encounters that have me a bit discouraged on meeting more ~ I too live in Austin, TX but cannot find other decent Pagans to be around. One day I can hope to find others like me to share things with. Great post and I do sense a book coming on here! ;)

[Jody]

Wow, thank you so much for this! I choose, quite deliberately, to live my life in a near constant state of re-evaluation. What worked for me two years ago may not work for me now. I may have known everything about everything when I was 18, but now at 33 I am able to recognize that I know very little at all. And I don’t think life is about the knowing, I think it’s about the learning and the re-learning. Belief, as most everything in life, comes from the journey. Not the conclusion.

I have been a practicing Wiccan for coming up on 10 years and, for me this kind of crisis of faith has been par for the course. In coming out of my solitary shell a few years back and practicing for the first time with other Wiccans, I was startled to discover that what I was doing wasn’t what others were doing. Working with a group, it is inevitable that beliefs and practices won’t be in perfect alignment. When I have looked around me in circle and watched my sisters as they clapped hands, rang bells, raised arms, spontaneously broken out into Irish step dance (ok, I exaggerate), I have absolutely asked myself, “Do I belong here? Is this truly my path? Or am I just playing along?”

I think you’re absolutely right that questioning one’s faith doesn’t signify lack of faith or devotion. I believe, on the contrary, a crisis of faith is the result of devotion. It takes courage to step outside the box and strength to do what feels right and not what feels easy. Afterall, faith isn’t the act of going through the motions. It is far, far better to question your beliefs, challenge them even, than to sit idly back until you start resenting feeling tied to a faith so far removed from your spirit.

Thank you again for this post. And I agree with what someone posted earlier. *Sniff, sniff* I smell a book here.

[Roberta]

I don't think that a crisis of faith matters whether you are Pagan or Christian or whatever faith you believe, that it happens to all of us and is only natural and part of life. In my case, my crisis of faith caused me to find Wicca. There are times that doubt effects all of us.
I have been fortunate, from your comments, that my encounters with other Wiccan's has been positive and I haven't met anyone 'creepy' yet. But I do live a sheltered life!

As far as peoples lives going to pieces, I have to agree. It is how you deal with putting those piece together again. If you have to do it a lot you get really good at it too.

[Kwan Yin]

Just in case you were wondering, I still haven’t found that wiccan grief counselor. But, I am slowly emerging from my own dark night of the soul. So as not to burden your comments, you can see the rest of my thoughts here. http://wicca201.livejournal.com

[Zorya]

Heather's comment:

Other groups demanded that I prove I was pagan and meet them in public before being taken to their secret meeting place. Uh, no thanks.

My thoughts:

Many covens and study groups meet at private homes. That being the case, requesting a public meeting is very reasonable. I would not want "creeps/weirdos/perverts/assholes/flakes" to know where I live, nor would anyone else in my coven.

OTOH, our public rituals are widely advertised and held at a local metropark. Anyone can come to those, including the more eccentric members of our community. Occasionally I find that once I get past the outward eccentricity I find a rather nice person underneath.

As to proving that you are a pagan - I am not sure how one would do that. :-) The term "pagan" covers such a variety of beliefs that calling it an umbrella is quite inadquate - circus tent, maybe.

On topic, the subject of crisis of faith is one that is deserving of deeper exploration. Dianne, if you tackle it in a book I will certainly buy a copy.

[Alice]

Thank you for this post. It's good to know I'm not the only one who struggles with the idea of Deity giving a damn about us. Sometimes I feel we're nothing more than a cosmic science project.