I dislike doctors intensely, which is a real shame, as I am a great patient: informed (my father is a pharmacist), intelligent, and funny (during a pelvic exam I once made my doctor drop his gynosaurus: he said, "Okay, now spread your legs as far apart as you can," and I asked politely, "Aren't you going to buy me dinner first?").
Nevertheless, it takes an act of Congress to get me to a doctor. Perhaps it dates back to being told that I had the flu because I'm fat, or that I had an ear infection because I'm fat, or that I wouldn't have sprained my ankle dancing if I weren't fat. (Holes in the ground, as we all know, open up before dancing fat girls.) Oddly enough the only doctor I've ever had who didn't try to blame my medical condition on my weight was my cardiologist, who said my heart was very strong, but spastic. (Truer words have never been spoken.)
You can imagine, then, how bad things have gotten in the last month that this morning I found myself sitting on a crinkly paper-lined exam table, staring at a chart made by some drug company about atherosclerosis and how their drug can help reduce said affliction by 20%, waiting for a doctor to put pen to prescription pad and save my life.
"So," the doctor, an attractive youngish woman with enormous eyes, said, "From what you've told me I'd say you definitely qualify for antidepressants."
Two hours later I am staring at a serious-looking orange plastic bottle with my name in all-caps on the side, as well as "TAKE ONE TABLET BY MOUTH EVERY DAY." If you look at it the right way it seems as though the pharmacist is advising someone to take one of me every day. I find this funny--I am, after all, pretty hard to swallow.
The second bottle is full of generic Ambien, and it actually says on the side, "MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS." Well, I'll be damned--I thought it caused clog dancing.
Actually if life were true to commercials the warning would have to say, "MAY CAUSE PATIENT TO GO HORSEBACK RIDING AND PLAY WITH A DOG."
So this, I muse, is where I've ended up, with my mental health held in balance, an insurance copay and an orange bottle on a Wednesday morning in July. I suppose, if you're going to go on mood-altering medication, your Saturn return is the ideal time for it.
Again, a lame old joke plays through my head:
Once upon a time, a mighty flood washed through a small town, and a homeowner found his house filling with water. Being a devout Baptist he prayed to God, "Dear Lord, please deliver me from this peril!"
One of his neighbors, who drove an enormous truck, called to the man and asked him to evacuate with the neighbor's family. "No," the man replied. "God is going to save me."
"If you say so," the neighbor said, and drove away even as the water started to cover his driveway.
A few hours later the man was forced to climb up onto his roof as the flood swept through the town. A police officer in a speedboat appeared. "Come on! I can get you to safety!" the officer shouted, but the man shook his head and replied that he was confident God would rescue him Himself.
An hour later, the man had to crawl up on the top of his chimney as the water continued to rise. A helicopter came a-hovering over the neighborhood, plucking the few stray refugees from their rooftops, but when they attempted to rescue the man, once again, he denied them, claiming (loudly) that God would save him.
Finally, the man drowned, and appeared before God soaking wet and rather pissed off. "Lord, I prayed to You for help, but You let me drown! How could You betray my faith that way?"
God raised an eyebrow. "I sent you a truck, a boat, and a helicopter; what more do you want?"
The question arises: how does a person in the midst of personal crisis tell the difference between a cop-out and a holy helicopter?
I really, really intended to work through this one on my own. I figured, it's coming at this time in my life for a reason, and if I ignore the reason and just shove a bunch of pills after it, I'll never work it out and it will just come back. I even went so far as to think of it as a test of sorts, although I don't really believe my gods would pull a Book of Job on me. Most of what we humans have to deal with is either the result of our own blindness and selfishness and stubbornness, or that of other humans. A god who would make a bet over how much torture it would take to break me is not a god I want to revere.
It became apparent, however, that I had made a slight miscalculation in my appraisal of the situation: there is a big difference between difficult emotions you should learn from and overcome on your own, and the sort of morass that leads to news reports concluding, "...before turning the gun on herself."
And lo, Ms. Sylvan considered her history, and how much less severe states of depression had led to pharmaceutical intervention, and that one has a much easier time changing the world if one can get out of bed; and it did occur to Ms. Sylvan that it might, just might, be time to call in the damn helicopter.
In the words of the immortal bard:
You gotta know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run...
And you gotta know when to reconsider the lesson. Are you being asked to delve deep into your negative emotions, or is the first task to learn how to take care of yourself, to ask for help when you need it? No serious and healthy exploration of trauma or pain can be undertaken from a shaky or nonexistent foundation. If you don't plant your feet firmly, the power of depression will knock you on your ass and carry you away--don't depend on overhanging branches to appear just in time. Do what it takes to stay standing, and from there, you can decide on the next step with a clearer head.
There is a stereotype that persists even now, that if you go on some sort of drug for your emotional problems you're either a) crazy or b) weak. I am neither of these things. In fact if most people knew how hard it was for me to admit that I couldn't do this on my own and pick up the phone, they would agree that weakness is the least of my problems. Crazy, well, that one's still open for debate.
I have a strong prejudice against the medical industry and the way it fosters dependence on its products; however I also have a strong prejudice toward staying sane. I'll assault the fortress after I can see in color again. Until then, all my efforts would be empty anyway, done out of a feeling of obligation rather than true passion for a better world. Stumbling about like a zombie never changed the world, except perhaps in the case of the Great Zombie Revolution of 1407 led by Ugggh the Untimely.
The only problem with antidepressants is that conditions can get worse before they get better, so posting here at DDtM may still be sporadic for a couple of weeks. Please continue to bear with me.
And don't come after me with a pitchfork because now you have "The Gambler" stuck in your head. Cut me some slack--I grew up in Texas.
When I look at all the times I was tumbling down the rabbit hole of depression, it was caused by two things. 1.) My life had become too complicated, and I needed to simplify...as in get rid of a bunch of stuff I didn't want to do anyway. Or 2.) I had come in contact with another Psi-vamp (Psychic Vampire), and that person was draining my energy dry.
Fortunately, I have always been into alternative health and allergic (like you) to doctors. Hope this helps and you can tackle whatever is depressing you without those crazy meds. :)
Posted by: Laura Stamps | July 25, 2007 at 12:46 PM
>No serious and healthy exploration of trauma >or pain can be undertaken from a shaky or >nonexistent foundation.
Yes! Well said! When I went through severe depression many years ago, it was like being a little kid at the beach, who keeps getting knocked down over and over by the breakers. One single one, even a bunch don't really do you in, but if they *never* let up long enough for you to find your feet, much less remember where the shore is, you finally just give in to the exhaustion.
The way I experienced it, the antidepressants slowed down the waves, giving me time to struggle back in between (but also notice how scary skinned-up I'd gotten in the process).
The meds never made the waves go away, but they helped me catch my breath long enough to find my way back to land. *Real* crazy is refusing them when you need them, like drowning people who fight off lifeguards.
Sending you the loving presence of the Gods and Goddess, and your human friends, too - to watch over and bless you in your process.
- Beth Owl
Posted by: Beth Owls Daughter | July 25, 2007 at 02:14 PM
You are one of the best writers that I know.
Sending strength and faith to you. Good for you for taking this important step.
Posted by: hecate Demetersdatter@hotmail.com | July 25, 2007 at 02:41 PM
It took me a long time to get over those feelings of shame and weakness--I only wish I had done it sooner. I can't remember the person who said it, but mental and emotional problems have been compared to a headache. It's all very well and good to try to figure out why you keep getting tension headaches. That's important. But you can't do it easily or well while your head is hurting.
It's funny, but I just decided last night it was time for me to go back in for another round. My sympathy and my prayers are with you, especially some prayers for healing.
Posted by: Katie | July 25, 2007 at 04:19 PM
I had a teacher once who was involved in a hunting accident. The story, as he told it, was that he was in the woods by himself and, somehow, got a knife lodged in his left foot. He drove his truck, a manual transmission, to the hospital and they fixed him up. His foot was bound and they gave him crutches.
He ended up not using the crutches because he said there were people with bigger problems than he had like the severely disabled kids down the hall. The ones with mental and physical issues that they were born with. He didn't want to seem weak. He told the story like he was a big brave man who didn't need crutches.
I saw something different. The man drove 17 miles to the hospital with a *knife in his foot* and was ashamed to help facilitate the healing his body needed. Nearly 20 years later, I'm sure he's still limping.
Crutches can be helpful. Kudos for taking care of yourself.
Posted by: bug | July 25, 2007 at 07:32 PM
yay for taking care of yourself
however that may look at the moment
yay for not getting stuck in being dogmatic
and being able to evaluate each moment as it arises with courage
and sharing that with us
here's to your healing whereever and however that may take you
Posted by: deborah | July 26, 2007 at 08:21 AM
Thought it was due to the floods..in a way it was. I too - yep - better living through chemistry. Found out the hard way (no, I won't be medicated!) that the meds just evened me out to be able to live with myself. You too? Now, still crazy ( not nuts) but, still here. Blessings
Posted by: mariele | July 26, 2007 at 01:56 PM
I have just started reading your blog- which is great btw,so I may have missed this, but have you considered a homeopath?
I had a huge bout with depression. The pills helped some of my problems and made other things worse so when I was at my whits end I looked into homeopathy as a last resort and I believe it saved my life.
It works with pills, you don't have to quit what your doing 'till you feel ready or maybe you never do feel ready, but it's natural (no nasty side effects) and it is what I feel turned me towards learning about myself, Paganism and changed my whole life. For the better!!!
Posted by: Manerva | July 26, 2007 at 06:41 PM
Strange timing - I just hit that same point for physical ailments. I've been dealing with a chronic illness for a few years, and really don't like going to doctors (doesn't help when they all throw up their hands and say they can't do anything more!). So I quit going for the last year, and have been working on stress reduction, a regular schedule, outdoor activity, sleep, basic food, and my sense of spirit. Which are all really good things. But when you are broken, that only gets you so far.
So I bit the bullet, and am starting the medical help again (conventional and alternative) - no point in cutting off the professionals, someone might come up with the proper supports for my system! I think the key here again is balance - use those things that help, and get away from those things that no longer serve you. And it's really, really hard to figure out things from a deep self-knowledge, if your brain chemistry is tossing you to the wolves! Been there ;).
I hope you shortly find the proper tools to get to where you are meant to be!
Posted by: Jenna | July 27, 2007 at 08:15 AM
Thank you! I was wondering where you were! It is just what I needed to hear...I'm also neither crazy or weak! thanks again.
Posted by: Sheila | July 27, 2007 at 12:57 PM
I resist medication, too, but I'm lucky (?) in that I rapid cycle, so my lows don't last very long. I applaud your decision to take care of yourself, to accept the chemical aspect of your illness, and get proper treatment.
::hugs!::
Posted by: Fey | July 27, 2007 at 01:47 PM
You know I know what it is like ... I am in my low spot right now actually. I applaud you for taking this step and know that I am here if you need me.
Always :)
Posted by: Renee | July 28, 2007 at 08:39 AM
>>The question arises: how does a person in the midst of personal crisis tell the difference between a cop-out and a holy helicopter?
Well put, and a question I recognize from my own arsenal of self-destruction. "You can't ask for help, that would be weak" - I've come to see thinking like this as just another way the dysfunctional self keeps herself dysfunctional.
Congratulations on your decision.
Posted by: hejira | July 29, 2007 at 04:43 AM
Sending healing thoughts your way. I resemble your post in many ways and wish you all the best. You have given so much and I'm grateful.
Posted by: Cynthia | July 31, 2007 at 12:35 PM
also wanted to pass along this encouraging thought during this time
remember that Innana was only queen of one realm when she willingly decended and willingly gave up everything in the process and after ascending, she became Queen of Heaven and Earth
may you resurface wholer than before no matter the form of the journey
Posted by: deborah | July 31, 2007 at 02:12 PM
Bless you for taking care of yourself. May your healing go well. May you find and be able to use all the modalities that you need to help you.
I was depressed from about the age of 4 to my early 30s I didn't realize fully what was going on until I was in my late 20s. I used both a psychologist and antidepressants to work on the depression. I hope that you have the right medication for you as well as the right person to talk to. My depression was depression as an adaptive behavior. My 2nd psychologist (I moved) and I determined that I was angry and anxious, and that it was easier to be depressed than be angry and anxious because of my parents. I also, through therapy, came to the conclusion that they did the best they could and forgave them for not being able to give me what they couldn't.
Again, bless you and may healing be yours.
Posted by: Kathryn | August 01, 2007 at 05:30 AM
As one that has been there remember that you are not alone. I think that is the hardest thing to remember when struggling with depression. Blessings and peace go with you. Frankly, you are too awesome a writer to have your candle snuffed out too early.
Posted by: R | August 01, 2007 at 09:57 AM
Yet another regular reader who struggles with depression - in my case, the variety that comes with bi-polar disorder. I hate taking my meds. Hate. It. But it makes my life better, and I, too, resonate with the metaphor of slowing down the waves.
Another note - in my experience, taking antidepressants has made it *more* possible, not less, for me to deal with my feelings, history, and issues. I now have the psychic space to do that, versus before, when I was having to push through miles of grey gook to get to anything productive. So, go you!
blessings--Qira
Posted by: Ms. P | August 03, 2007 at 07:41 AM
Regarding the cop-out vs. helicopter query: I always like to think that if it helps in any way, then it's a sign that you're on the right path.
And for lame jokes:
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
Well - I'll have to tell you that tomorrow.
Posted by: Kuruni | August 29, 2007 at 06:18 PM
Dear Lady, I do admire you. Back when I tumbled down that rabbit hole I could no sooner have put to words what you have here than than run a marathon (I'm with ya on the "fat" comments all thru life) I feel it takes and enormous amount of courage to seek the assistance you have. Good on you! I'll hold you close in thoughts and prayers and as long as you are good with it, I'll add you to my Reiki grid.
Blessings!
Posted by: Willow | August 31, 2007 at 03:55 AM
I hope that you are doing much better now. You have my thoughts and prayers. I too am struggling with this right now and feel like my small world is crumbling around me but I've been here before and I've walked out of it by putting one foot in front of the other (not always in the right direction but at least moving slowly in a direction). Your writing is excellent and I am sure very helpful for everyone. I wish all the best of everything. Blessings to you.
Posted by: Ellijaynancy | October 17, 2007 at 11:52 AM
Wow, I was there last year too (Saturn square following close on the heels of Pluto square in my case).
I'm still taking my Citalopram after nearly a year, and grateful for it every day, after 25 years of depression and thinking that anti-depressants were Bad and Wrong.
The medication hasn't changed my personality at all - unless you count being more rational and less hypersensitive to criticism, oh yeah, and being able to get out of bed /and/ get through a day without weeping buckets or snapping off someone's head or having suicidal thoughts or feeling like I'm about to turn inside out.
The meds have given me my life back. Gods bless those holy helicopters!
Posted by: Elinor | March 01, 2008 at 05:03 PM
Crutches are great if they actually work, and do not collapse whilst you are trying to walk on them, thus causing you to injure yourself even further.
For some of us, this is what antidepressants have done. For some, they cause even more mental issues and problems. So I would say, if they work for you great, but remember that they are not Magic Pills. Consider their effects honestly and carefully to make sure they are doing what you want.
Bright Blessings!
Posted by: Mozena Greezin | March 16, 2008 at 07:25 AM