Signs of Life

Today I noticed something that surprised me: 

The sky is blue.

Now before you pat me on the head and say, "Very good, Sylvan, now what color is the grass?" I should explain that one of the stranger symptoms of my particular brand of major depression is that in the depths of it, I lose the ability to relate to color.  I see it, and my brain dutifully checks off "cloud = white," but it doesn't register to the part of my consciousness that appreciates beauty.  When I am running on all cylinders, seratonin-wise, I can look at a sunset and the riot of color fills vision and heart with its artistry; when depressed, I become emotionally colorblind.  I can make myself see temporarily through sheer force of will if I must, but in the everyday, color simply passes by, as washed in sunless grey as everything else in my world.

Today as I got out of my car after lunch, I looked up, thinking, "...so much for all the damn rain we were supposed to get, could've had at least one nice storm, but noooo, here it is, ninety-three degrees again and the sky is just as blue as...wait...whoa."

And there, filling my eyes, was a blue sky, blue enough to knock me over. 

Of course, the next thought I had was that one of the clouds reminded me disconcertingly of the smoke from the Challenger disaster. 

Baby steps, people.

Comments

[mama kelly]

I wish I could give you a hug through the computer. I have been in those types of depression and completely understand when you lose the ability to appreciate beauty or feel joy or interest.

I am glad that you are starting to see "signs of life" and I wish you only the very best.

Mama Kelly

[Heather from AZ]

I've been through the kind of depression you're talking about. I remember when I suddenly realized birds were singing. Better living through chemistry, eh? Never be ashamed of what you need to do to be well. Bright Blessings to you, and thank you for all you've done.

[Lisa]

Baby steps will get you 'out' faster -- and surer -- than anything else.

Reading your description of not seeing beauty reminded me of my times of depression. And how wonderful was that moment when I realized that I was, indeed, starting to see the world around me once again.

[Term Paper]

It’s a great post, you really are a good writer! I’m so glad someone like you have the time, efforts and dedication writing, for this kind of article…