One Small Year

I am having a rather enjoyable dilemma.

As I have mentioned many times, Yule is the Sabbat during which I set down goals for the coming year.  At this moment my year-box stands empty on my altar, purified and waiting for my dreams and desires; it will hold them safe and stand as a reminder for me this next Turning. 

That's all well and good, but what do I put in the damn thing?

You see, up until this year it's been disturbingly easy to fill up my year-box with lofty and not-so-lofty goals.  "This year I'll start a new book," or, "This year I'll update my blog three times a week," (oops) or "This year I'll get my finances in order."  Time after time, year after year, I come up with a handful of what seem like perfectly sensible goals...yet time after time I find that I don't reach them. 

It starts off the way most people start off with New Year's resolutions--with a bang.  I get on the horse and ride hell-for-leather, but by February, the zeal has unzealed, and my excitement has run its course, bogged down in the unromantic hustle of day to day life.  If I'm lucky, I'll accomplish one or maybe even two of my goals, but the rest wither on the vine, giving me something else to feel guilty about when Samhain rolls round again and I have to face yet more things undone, obligations unfulfilled.

Last year I tried something different: instead of specific goals, I wrote down a prayer of sorts of how I wanted the year to go, things I wanted to manifest and things I wanted to release, and so forth.  That didn't go over so well either; it was too vague, and anyone who works in goal-setting type fields can tell you that your goals have to be measurable, realistic, and have some form of accountability built into them; they also have to have a timeline involved, which you would think would be easy since I give myself a full year.  Saying "I'll start a book this year," however, is still too vague unless you break it down into steps:  "I'll brainstorm ideas in Spring and have an outline by Ostara," et cetera, is more manageable.  I'm just not a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of gal, it turns out.  My pants need landing gear.

I think the real problem, however, hasn't been the goals themselves, the steps involved, or the timeframe; the problem has been my own attitude.  The flawed and damaged part of my psyche that was benefiting from depression (I think I am unworthy, therefore I must do everything I can to prove I am unworthy, because I think I am unworthy, and round and round) saw the year-box as a golden opportunity to set myself up for failure.  There is of course a part of me that fears failure, but even more sinister is the part of me that fears success--if suddenly I realize that I'm capable of doing amazing things, I'm no longer off the hook!  I no longer have any excuse for sitting around on my ass bemoaning my worthlessness if I have proven that I'm awesome!  The human mind has its arsenal of dirty tricks and spring-loaded emotional traps, and they are so, so easy to fall into.

Over the last couple of months some amazing things have been happening in my life--amazing things that are due almost entirely to my own effort, coupled with the favor of the Divine (God helps those who get off their butts and quit whining).  In the process, these small achievements have stripped me of some very comforting and poisonous illusions. 

I am not, as it turns out, incapable of changing myself or my life.  I am not, as it turns out, worthless.  I am, in fact, one seriously badass Witch who holds in her hands the power to change the world. 

Imagine how my mind has been reeling under these realizations. 

And imagine how this casts a new light on my goal-setting process for 2008.

My oh my.

The question then becomes not, "what can I do," but, "what do I really want to do?"  One thing I have realized about myself in the midst of all of this is that I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to, but I also have to set my heart and my soul to it, too.  It's not enough to think something is a good idea--I have to be able to throw my passion into it, for passion is a force of nature, and what we love with all our being is what we create. 

Am I going to get my finances in order this year?  Possibly, but it won't be one of my goals, because the truth is I don't give a rat's ass about finances.  I make enough to live on, and that can be improved, but I don't care enough about it to devote myself to savings plans and investing and all that other stuff that matters so much to a lot of people. I've come to think of money as an irritating child always pulling on my skirts demanding things of me.  Yes, yes, here--you can have a cookie.  Now go play.  I have finally grown weary of stressing about my income.  One way or another things always work out.  Could I do better?  Certainly.  Do I need to worry about it?  Nah.  Not right now. 

The things that matter to me are less tangible, and I am finding they are hard to put in terms of action steps, but there's the rub:  in order to change something, in order to make a beautiful life and a beautiful world, we have to move, we have to plan, we have to take action.  This is as true on the individual level as it is on the global.

As I consider the coming year, then, I have to ask myself what matters most to me at this stage of my life.  What groundwork do I want to lay for the future, and what seeds do I want to plant that will see fruition by the end of the year?  What contribution do I want to make in the coming months? 

Such huge questions to be given over to such a small thing as a year! 

I think I may try categorizing them this year:  one personal goal to do with my own individual growth or health, one creative goal, one goal involving the larger world (volunteering, et cetera).  I'm not sure, though.  Luckily I have until Yule to figure it out.  I'm trying to limit their number as well, and not go overboard just because I have this weird new understanding that I can do anything (or at least give anything a shot and see what happens).

So much can happen in a year; so much can change.  Given the gift of twelve brand-new months, and the unique talents and traits that are yours alone, what will go into your year-box this Yule, figuratively speaking?  Who do you want to be next year this time?  If anyone has the power, you do.  Right there in your two little hands and the endless expanses of your mind.  Beauty and truth are within your grasp.

Get up, reach out, and dance with them.

Comments

[Sjh]

I've been struggling with the same thing. Thank you for the post - I'm going to keep that questions close "Who do you want to be this time next year?" and see what answers I come up with. I love the idea of the box, too.

Cheers -

Sjh

[Sheila]

As I consider the coming year, then, I have to ask myself what matters most to me at this stage of my life. What groundwork do I want to lay for the future, and what seeds do I want to plant that will see fruition by the end of the year? What contribution do I want to make in the coming months?

I love these questions, thank you!

[Thalia]

Okay, I'm going to give totally contrary, tricksy advice, even though I feel the need to say you can take it or leave it (because we are all conditioned to be "nice", even us tricksters). I'd say: fuck the year-box. Let yourself out of, well, the box, I guess, and commit to playing this year by ear. See what happens. I'll bet you'll manage just fine, and you'll have one less thing to be feeling guilty about. Ditch the box, and you'll already be treating yourself with more kindness.

I am, also, I'd like to say, absolutely overjoyed to hear you are feeling so much better, though you're awful young for the whole kundalini awakening thing. Young in body, anyway. :)

[Pandora]

I like the three categories idea -- personal, creative, community. That keeps things focused.

That being said, I'll admit that I've made major changes this year, and I made them by focusing one moment on a time on how I felt. Odd technique, but has had results.

I might try a mixture of the two -- goals, and then coming back to focus, like coming back to noticing the breath.

[Beth]

Congratulations on all the Fire and Wind you are working! Creation, Motivation, Clarity, Knowledge, Wisdom! Now on to Manifestation! I am tired of other people constantly telling me what I should do with my life because I'm so "gifted", write a book, become more public, "you're going to be famous one day" they say. (Of course these are the same people who still look at me like I have seven breasts when I give them information "I couldn't possibly know"!) Knowing that huge success and recognition is a real possibility is scarier than thinking it could never happen. I am so juiced to read that you identify with fearing your utmost potential. Anyone I would say that to would call me crazy. It terrifies me to not know....to not be able to control all aspects of my lousy little life if I actually truly lived instead of merely existing. My question is, after you come to this explosive truth and set yourself free (for the moment) how do you keep THAT going? Like you, I am in fact worthy, capable of all things and obviously one totally awesome, bad ass Witch. :) Of course we were the last ones to know...but none the less it is truth. :) Now, knowing, understanding and believing that, my deepest and final question would not be how do I set my goals and follow through, but how do I remember this truth, this feeling, this unbelievable rush of connection to the All, this power I wield? How do I not end up in complete and utter guilt and despair knowing that I KNOW better, that I had the truth and let my self slip away from it, turn away from it, that I just couldn't hang on? How can I forget something so raw and powerful and huge? If I could keep that wisdom in the forefront of my mind, then maybe the goal setting, the follow through the consistent success and balancing act would manifest in return. You know the whole cause and affect thing. How many opportunities to be truly honest and LIVE will we have? I am so comfortable with all aspects of Death in this life but living? That is terrifying! Thank you Dianne for the really personal self inquiry that you share with all of us. It has posed some really important questions and has given comfort to me to know that I am not alone.

[Michelle]

Holy shit you are the type of witch I always wanted to be...and you inspire me to believe I can be. Thanks (although it's only fair to warn you I may cuss you out about it later - fear of success is a common one I guess).

[sophia]

and a strong powerful woman without a venue or the realization of who she is is a very destructive force
to boot