All Over But the Crying

Cosmo died today, in my arms, at 4:30pm. 

He had stopped eating again and was severely dehydrated, anemic, and losing weight rapidly.  An ultrasound confirmed lymphosarcoma, a dozen tumors throughout his intestines.  Chemotherapy would have given him another two months, tops, and the only other option was pain treatment and steroids so I could bring him home, perhaps for a week or two, during which he would be sick and lethargic at best.

We snuggled for a while in the office, the long IV tube getting in the way, and I told him how sorry I was, and how much I loved him, and how great it was to have him with me for over a decade.  I told him I hoped he understood, and that if he ever wanted to come back to me, I'd try to do better if I could. 

I sobbed, the vet cried, the tech hugged me, and I walked out of the hospital, to return to a home where my sweet kitty would never greet me at the door again, never meow me awake, never drop turds in the living room floor, never yowl demanding gooshyfood or pettins, never sit on the arm of the Death Star again, never get fur all over my laundry, never try to steal a cookie out of my hand, never sleep purring against my back.

My home doesn't feel like one now.  It's so quiet, and so wrong, and my heart feels absolutely broken.  The one constant in my life in Austin is gone.

He's gone, and he's never coming home.  And despite everyone at the hospital telling me it was the right thing to do, I still feel like I've committed some kind of horrific crime against life, like what if I was wrong, what if...

But it's too late now.

Goodbye, my furry little guy.  I love you, and I'll miss you, goodbye.

Thank you, everyone, for your support and your assistance during all of this.  I'm grateful.  I'll be back in a few days.

Comments

[Owldaughter]

Diane, I'm so sorry for your loss. Both Cosmo and you are in my thoughts and prayers tonight. And I'm going to go hug my furry little seventeen year old girl extra hard, because I know I won't have her much longer.

Go gently, Cosmo.

[Hope]

There is nothing I can say that will be worthy of your sorrow...I ache for your loss, and will think on you and your darling furry fellow for the days to come, hopefully sending a bit of comforting energy your way.

Be well, and may the memories of him be with you always

[Mimi]

I am so sorry. I know exactly how hard this is for you, Dianne. I have lost 2 very special babies since Thanksgiving - one to lymphoma who had 13 terrific years and one to FIP who had only just found a safe home with us at about a year old. I am sure they will greet Cosmo with headbutts and snuggles.

Sleep well sweet Cosmo.

[Owldaughter]

Oh, damn, I mistyped your name, too. I'm so sorry. Put it down to the tears in my eyes.

(I cry every time I read someone's heartfelt goodbye to a pet, especially when I've read about the trials leading up to saying goodbye.)

[Maura]

I am so sorry.

[Zion Mystic]

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry to hear this!
:(

[Rachel]

Our family will be thinking of you in the days to come. We are so sorry to hear that you lost Cosmo.

[Sarah Peters]

You are in my prayers now and in the days to come.

[mama kelly]

{{{{ Diane }}}}

I am so so sorry. I have had to allow a vet help a fur-baby make that final transition. My deepest condolences on the loss of your friend.

[sydney]

oh my, my heart felt condolences to you. really there are no words, but some peaceful energy coming your way... be kind to yourself.

[bohemianeditor]

Delurking to give you my deepest condolences. I'm so, so sorry. May you find peace in a too-quiet house.

[MilkandInk]

I pray that your sorrows, in their due time, will wash away to greater joys.

It is never easy to lose a furry friend. I offer my condolences (like many here) and only wish I was nearer to you to offer a shoulder, my services, and a homemade casserole.

[Michelle Wade]

There is nothing I can say that will help...but still I PROMISE you ~ love never ends. It will be okay. I know this pain and again I PROMISE you ~ once your heart stops screaming the love will still be there...Forever. Blessed Be.

[Sara]

Oh Lady. I am so sorry. Cosmo was deeply loved, and that is a great gift you gave him for all the years he was with you. My thoughts are with you.

[Jo]

There are no words at a time like this. Having had many furry friends pass on, I know the pain that you speak of. Take time for yourself right now. Be good to yourself. And know that there are a lot of people sending you good thoughts and prayers and hugs.

[Jackie]

I am so sorry. Your loss made me cry, too.

[Luna]

I am so sorry, D. Cosmo slumbers in Her arms and will greet you again someday. You were a good Momma to him and you can't deny the joy he brought to you. Remember him well. Bless you both.

[Tammy]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to feel any comfort at a time like this. My thoughts are with you.

[Jo]

Four Footed Faerie Child
Spirit Dancing, Running Wild
Thanks for all you gave to me
Go in peace now, you are free

Race the wind on moonlight paws
Climb a tree with silver claws
Hunt in moonlight, tail high
Dance with dragons, learn to fly

Faerie child, ever young
Time to rest, your task is done
Thanks for all you gave to me.
Farewell child, and Blessed Be.

(I wrote this for a dear and beloved feline familiar, friend and child when she crossed the bridge a few years back. I felt moved to share it with you here. My deepest sympathies for your loss.)

[Susan]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Like so many others, I know this pain. I will light a candle for you and Cosmo and hold you in my prayers.

[Beth]

I am so sorry for your loss -- for your heartache and the hole in your life. It will get better, eventually, but then you know that. Until then, cry away, and know that you DID do the right thing, and he knew you would.

[joanne O'Brien]

Our beloved friends ALWAYS know, and accept acts of kindness and see no need to forgive as they fully perceive our intentions. Their lives are eternal and while not with us in the form we are accustomed to anymore, transition to become OUR caretakers from the other side. I feel your heavy heart and hold you in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings.

[Plum Texan]

My deepest sympathies...no words suffice, but I have very recently felt much the same. Love and blessings to you, and across the Bridge to your Cosmo.

[Rose]

You did everything you could. It was just his time. -hugs-
We're here if you need us.
~Rose.

[Erik]

I'm so sorry.

[Theresa]

I'm sorry, both you and Cosmo are in my thoughts.

[deborah]

so sorry.

[Monique]

I am so sorry. I cried reading your message. I will pray that over time, your sorrows will be eased.

[Danmara]

((((((DIANNE AND COSMO)))))

I am so sorry. :(

You're probably sick of hearing this, but it IS for the best. You did the right thing honey. I'm sure Cosmo understands.

[Dana]

I am so very sorry, Dianne. Having lost an old friend myself this past summer, I feel the pain in your heart. There have been so many wonderful words shared ... my own seem inadequate. I offer my condolences and cyber hugs through tears of saddness. Blessed Be.