When I'm expecting visitors to my home, I fidget. The last hour before they're supposed to arrive I spend tidying up things that are already tidy, and doing piddly things like lighting incense and putting just the right music on the stereo. I try to settle down and read a book or work a crossword puzzle, or occupy myself writing, but I tend to wander from room to room as the minutes tick by, not sure what to do with myself.
God help me if they're late. Then I sit and stare at the clock and keep shifting positions in the chair: legs to the left, legs to the right, legs crossed, curled up in a ball, knees bent, feet on the coffee table...argh! I finish one crossword and start another, or end up reading the same lines of a book over and over.
That anticipatory restlessness essentially describes how my entire life has felt lately. I know something is about to arrive, and I am tired of waiting. The question has evolved from "what the hell is going on with my life?" to "what can I do to get this thing moving?" I don't believe in sitting back and letting life happen, even though that's basically what I've done since moving out of my parents' house at 18. I keep thinking that the universe is waiting for me to do something, or that we're waiting for each other--that the catalyst is my doing and the rest will follow.
Unfortunately I have no idea what that catalyst is, and hints are not something the gods seem all that interested in providing.
It's like when you feel a sneeze building, and building, and you're really looking forward to a good sneeze, but...no. No sneeze. Not yet. Just an itchy nose.
Actually a better description would be four hours of sex with no orgasm. Almost, almost, almost...damn it. Someone's fingers get tired or your batteries wear out or the bed collapses or the police arrive, and you end up screaming with frustration rather than abandon. I'm at the place about five minutes before that happens.
Eight centimeters dilated. Bottom of the ninth with bases loaded and the pitcher gets a cramp. Midway through the seventh Harry Potter book--how much longer is this damn story going to go on? Stuck right between the inhalation and the exhalation.
I don't know what I'm expecting, and I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, and it's maddening. August, the signs seem to say. August is when things start to change, for real this time. Late summer. Am I sure? No. I have lost the ability to be sure of anything. But I have, as I've said, hope--hope in God, and hope in my own intuition.
Nevertheless I am very bad at waiting. You should see me in line at the DMV sometime.
It occurs to me that I should perhaps be concerned whether the Oncoming Storm is a good thing, a bad thing, or a Time Lord (gods, the BBC has eaten my soul). At this point, however, I have decided to simply have faith, or perhaps extremely vehement hope, that the universe has something in store for me that will floor me with its pure awesomeness, or at least be the kind of pain that I know will count for something in the end, like a tattoo.
In the meantime, here are ten things I love which are helping keep me sane in this liminal, fox-like, cosmically anorgasmic time:
1 ~ Alanis Morissette's new CD Flavors of Entanglement.
2 ~ The fact that I can now get a decaf soy milk mocha Frappuccino.
3 ~ Hannah Kaminsky's blog, Bittersweet, and her new cookbook My Sweet Vegan.
4 ~ Joshua Bell's Romance of the Violin.
5 ~ Fresh cherries and raspberries.
6 ~ My slick-as-hell new Apple keyboard here at work.
7 ~ As alluded to above, I've become quite the fangirl of the Doctor Who universe (Ninth and Tenth Doctor, and let's not forget Torchwood, YUM). Thank the gods for Netflix, which really should qualify as #8, but I want to leave room for:
8 ~ Feeling inspired to write, even if it's not a book (or a spirituality blog, for that matter)--I haven't enjoyed writing fiction the way I am right now in years. No pressure, no deadlines, just me having a good time with my weirdo plotlines and my pornographic interludes, and having people email desperately wanting more. Good for both the muse and the ego.
9 ~ My artwork adorns several people's bodies, most recently the aforementioned Oldest Friend who came to visit; she asked me to design her first tattoo, and it turned out lovely, both visually and symbolically. It was a simple sort of thing but I was really pretty proud of it, another sign of progress on my part, as most of my life I've been unable to look at anything I create without ripping it apart with self-criticism.
10 ~ The fact that Stephanie Law's Shadowscapes Tarot is nearly complete. Thus far my favorite cards are Death, the Page of Wands, the three Queens, and the 8 of Pentacles.
You've described it exactly! That knowing that something is about to happen, or change, or evolve, or emerge ... and being caught on the edge of it without a clue as to what the next step is. Or knowing entirely too far in advance that change, etc, is about to occur ... and then having to wait the long wait. Argh! I have this feeling that one of my lessons this time around is ... egads ... patience. Arrgh again!
Posted by: Journey | July 21, 2008 at 01:46 PM
So I am checking out the Tarot card link and BAMO I see it...and I feel HORRIBLE to be pointing out that there is a fox on the Fool? You know what with the beginnings and new journeys (ducks and runs in case there are throwable things)
OH, and the BBC can have my soul too - just as long the new Dr Who's and Torchwood keeps coming. Sigh
Posted by: Michelle Wade | July 21, 2008 at 02:32 PM
Michelle,
Actually there are foxes on a great many of the cards, especially the Wands suit. :)
Posted by: Sylvan | July 21, 2008 at 02:34 PM
Gee, your post sounds so familiar....all the way down to being a Doctor Who and Torchwood fan.
I love that tarot deck, dang it...like I need another like I need another hole in my head!
Love your blog!!!!!!
Posted by: Michelle Wood | July 21, 2008 at 02:56 PM
I must have that tarot deck. Must have. I'm just looking at the cards online and all sorts of different connections are being made in my head.
A friend of mine bought me the Tarot of Transformation for my birthday. It's gorgeous - lots of southwestern native american vibes to it. The cards are not as sturdy as I would have liked but I'm looking forward to working with it.
Have you looked at any of the astrological stuff in dealing with the sense of waiting? I know a lot of planets are retrograde right now and I wonder if any of them might be coming out of that soon - August perhaps?
Posted by: Crystal | July 21, 2008 at 03:00 PM
Oh this whole year has been like this.
I agree with you, about August. I feel it too.
Posted by: Danmara | July 21, 2008 at 03:10 PM
Save me a seat on the "Doctor Who" fangirl bandwagon. And on the "August feels momentous" side of things, too...
Posted by: Tirya | July 21, 2008 at 07:57 PM
I love the way you have captured that feeling of 'gestation' as I call it - the sense that something unseen is growing within you or around you. For me it's a sense that I'm being called to do more, but don't know what. I feel ready to 'stand' in or step into my higher purpose, and I've asked the Universe to let me know what that is...still waiting for a response, or at least one that I can decipher!
P.s. I've ordered The Circle Within from Amazon can't wait for it to arrive! :-)
Posted by: Catharine | July 21, 2008 at 11:37 PM
I had no idea you were a Stephanie Law fan....I love her art! I'm also a stitcher and I'm currently working on a design of hers that has been officially (meaning with permission from Ms. Law) charted by Heaven and Earth Designs. (There is also another stitcher who is working on 'Death' from the Tarot series...it's stunning!) Have you seen her latest art? It's called the Summoning. You can see it here: http://www.shadowscapes.com/image.php?lineid=0&bid=388
A friend of mine speaks with her fairly regularly, and Stephanie thinks the Tarot Card Deck will be released mid-2009. Until then, I'll stick with Ciro Marchetti's deck: Tarot of Dreams.
Posted by: Dana | July 22, 2008 at 06:08 AM
Must. Have. Tarot deck! :D
Posted by: s1ren | July 22, 2008 at 06:36 AM
Must. Have. Tarot deck! :D
Posted by: s1ren | July 22, 2008 at 06:37 AM
Diannne, what a beautifully written post, both in style and content! I have been a lurker on your blog for some months now. I enjoy reading your posts and following your life, thoughts, and emotions. Although I do not follow the Wiccan way, I appreciate your reverence for the natural world and the inner self. This particular post so brilliantly expresses the tedium and anxiety of waiting on the cusp of something unknown, I was compelled to let you know how much I like your writing.
Posted by: Sphinx Ink | July 22, 2008 at 09:50 AM
The deck is almost done? I've been checking on it periodically for about a year now, and am quite eagerly looking forward to its release. The rest of her work is beautiful as well - I have From the Ashes and Dusted Wings.
Posted by: Dominique | July 22, 2008 at 11:49 AM
Actually I did catch the many foxes on the card... felt a little like an ass after that. Oh well...not the first time, won't be the last. Hope you're doing well Sylvan. Blessed Be
Posted by: Michelle Wade | July 22, 2008 at 02:12 PM
I've been watching her paint that tarot deck forever. It is so beautiful. The other deck I can't wait for is Joanna Powell Colbert's Gaian Tarot. http://www.gaiantarot.com/
It's just as amazing but in a different way.
Posted by: Ellen-Mary | July 23, 2008 at 09:09 PM
I have been reading your site and writings for sometime now and never known what to say (So I am I guess what people call a lurker.) This is where I am supposed to say "I am long time listener, first time caller. I am a huge fan I have both of your books and love them. Your writing style is truly amazing, which is true.
I know what you mean by that waiting, patience is a virtue that the gods forgot to give me or maybe they just thought it would be funnier if I didn’t have that virtue ( I may be paranoid but I sometimes think my life is their personal joke). Anyway for me it is usually from Nov - Feb and then there is April that are the bear months when the gods seem to go "Hey! She seems to be a little to comfortable." and that is when they take the snow-globe and shake it up laying waste to my little life. This year though like you they seem to have decided to shake things up from April-July at the very least. Several of my friends are going through a bunch of crap (my technical term for it there) this summer as well.
I know I seem to be rambling (cause I am) but my point (yes I have one) is that I wanted you to know that your strength of character that you have had while going through this whole ordeal has truly been impressive and inspirational.
Hope things get better in August as it is just a few more days away and to say I am greatly enjoying your writing.
Posted by: Kittra | July 25, 2008 at 09:15 AM
Whoa are the house guests that are tardy to my house. JK.
I understand your fidgety impatience.
J
Posted by: Jessie Earth Momma | July 28, 2008 at 01:34 PM
I just found your website. I am really enjoying exploring.
I have "The Body Sacred" and am giving each of my daughters a copy on their birthdays this fall.
Every woman should have a copy!
Side Note: Torchwood was cancelled. There is, I believe, a 5 episode mini conclusion that I am unsure we will even see in the US.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
As to the August thing, I spent all summer telling my youngest daughter, who was having a very rough summer, that she just needed to hold on until August, things would get better. She thought I'd lost my mind but, by the middle of August things were getting better and better for her.
Thank you again for your wonderful book and I am ordering "The Circle Within" ASAP
Posted by: Katt | September 16, 2008 at 11:16 AM
Katt,
Actually Torchwood was not cancelled; it's getting a shorter season in 2009, but the 2010 season is already scheduled. The BBC occasionally does things that way due to licensing and the scheduling of its actors. Doctor Who's 2009 season will be the same way, with a full length season to follow the next year. I follow both shows pretty closely.
Posted by: Sylvan | September 16, 2008 at 11:34 AM