Vampires Saved My Soul...

...after Marion Zimmer Bradley tried to kill it.

This statement is not as random as it may appear.

I've been writing stories since I was about five.  My mother still has some of those first efforts written out in wobbly pencil on Big Chief tablet paper; they were usually about animals, and often illustrated.  By the time I was a sophomore in high school I had compiled binders full of story bits, folders full of essays marked "Excellent!" and a hunger for writing that saw me through those awkward middle-school years when I hid behind my hair and worked in the library to avoid PE.

My sophomore year I got a fantasy story printed in a Mercedes Lackey fanzine, and I thought I was hot shit.  Actually, I was hot shit; I was talented and I knew it, and I had plans for novel after novel dancing in my head.  My English teacher loved me--in fact he read the entire 26 page story out loud to our class over the course of a week.

My junior year everything changed.

Our teacher gave us a fairly simple assignment:  write a short story and send it to a magazine, anthology, or other publishing outfit just for the experience of rejection.  (She didn't say that last bit, but even at 16 I knew how the publishing business works.)  Since I wrote almost exclusively pretentious high fantasy with female protagonists, there was really only one person to send it to:  Marion Zimmer Bradley, editor of the Sword and Sorceress series as well as her own fantasy magazine. 

Now, keep in mind that I had no illusions about this story getting published.  Grownup professionals jockey for slots in fantasy anthologies.  The genre is ridiculously slim, sexist, and cutthroat, and like any fiction no novel will ever see print without an agent lobbying hard for it.  I knew that.  In fact, I was embarrassed at having to do the assignment, and I made sure to tell MZB in my cover letter that I was doing this for a high school project and that I was only 16.  (My teacher didn't see the cover letter.)  To this day I don't even remember what the story was about; I'm sure it was awful by my current standards, but pretty good for a teenager.

The rejection arrived, but it wasn't the form letter I expected.  MZB, a respected crone of the fantasy world, had written me a personal reply.

The letter told me I was a terrible writer and that I should stop wasting her time. 

I'm not kidding. 

It went on at some length about how horrible the story was, how unbelievable; the characters were shallow, the plot nonexistent, and I should give up writing right now. 

If I hadn't burned the letter years ago I would scan it to show I'm telling the truth, but this was 15 years ago, and I was so upset that I had to get the letter out of my sight.  I cried for days.  I vacillated between rage and shame for months.

And I quit writing.

I did class assignments without bothering to polish them to my former shine.  I threw away my binders of notes and scenes.  Every time I tried to start a story I just kept seeing those words in my mind, and all the inspiration drained out of me.

I hated that woman for a very long time.  In fact, I'm ashamed to say that I laughed when I heard she died.

It wasn't until I was 20 that I tried again, and I did it in secret, like a sticky-fingered teenager at the mall.  I was living alone for the first time in my life and battling one of many depressive episodes when I discovered something on the internet:  fan fiction.

As a teenager I had devoured any and all young adult novels connecting romance and vampires.  There were certain books and series that I adored beyond all reason.  All of them had fandoms.  I started reading the fics, and had two realizations:

One:  80% of fan fiction sucks.

Two:  I could do much, much better.

Before long I was knee-deep in a world I'd abandoned, and I had my own following complete with awards and teenage girls emailing me daily wanting new installments.  I was hooked.  The gratification and the creative outlet were like a drug. 

(They still are, actually.)

Meanwhile I was a young Witch in the midst of her first formal training and her first experiences with OMG!RealLivePagans, and I was finally free to buy whatever books I wanted, so I was also reading every book on Wicca I could find--the good, the bad, and the spectacularly bad.  I found myself creating the first verison of Dancing Down the Moon, writing essays on what I thought were the dos and don'ts of Wicca.  I spent hours on websites (including one called Alaine's Circle of Wicca that would turn out to be authored by my eventual good friend and fellow writer Amber) and saw both the glut of 101 material and the need for a different focus in the literature. 

Good god, Pagan websites used to suck.  Remember MIDI files of Enya and spinning flaming pentacles?  Black star-flecked background with violent purple lettering in 20 point font?  Remember when cut-and-pasting Scott Cunningham was all you had to do to make your Geocities site popular? 

Anyway, in a matter of months the first infant versions of The Circle Within had already begun to form, although it started out as a very different book, focused on creating one's own tradition, a much broader topic than a personal spiritual practice.  That's where the subtitle came from, actually, the original version of the book.  When I was finally ready to write the real thing, I sat down at the computer and barely moved for three months.  I sent it to Llewellyn, they went ape over it, and the rest, as the cliche goes, is history.

I can't imagine my life without writing.  It's so much a part of who I am, what I do, and how I relate to the world.  I even narrate things as they happen in my life (she said) and scrawl down interesting turns of phrase on napkins to stuff into my purse.  I haven't written a novel yet, but I write fiction constantly, and yes, it's still about vampires, but you have to start somewhere.

To think that I almost let some mean old woman stop me from doing the one thing I loved above all else--the thought makes me shudder. Maybe MZB was having a bad day and took it out on me; maybe she skimmed the part where I said I was sixteen and wasn't really trying to dash the aspirations of a young writer.  Or maybe she was just a bitch--I don't know.  I never met her personally and I certainly never tried to contact her again.

What brought this story out tonight, you ask?  Well, a few years ago I decided to bite the bullet and read The Mists of Avalon.  I figured it was considered gospel by so many feminist Pagans out there I ought to at least have read it.  Not to mention, I liked the miniseries in spite of its wobbly acting and atrocious dialogue (I told S1ren we should create a drinking game where every time Morgaine says "my little brother Arthur" you have to take a shot); seeing Goddess worship on screen, especially embodied by the regal and beautiful Anjelica Huston, was surprisingly affecting.  I've always had a deep longing for a college of priestesses or a Pagan monastery, and the story met that longing with homemade forehead tattoos and nifty dip-dyed costumes.

I never did finish the book--I got about halfway through it and lost interest.  Tonight, however, I was at Half Price and found a copy for two dollars, and something made me want to give it another try.  I think I'm tired of holding grudges--fifteen years is a long time to be angry about something, even if it was that traumatic.  Those formative adolescent experiences can really fuck you up, can't they?  But I decided that I wanted to make MZB a peace offering, even posthumously; I want to see if distance and time allow me to enjoy the book without my personal prejudices.  It's part of my letting go program, I guess you could say. I'll be sure and mention how it turns out when I've finished the book, assuming I do this time.

(Just keep in mind that if you wrong me I'll still be out to spite you fifteen years later.  It's a Scorpio thing, just like putting arsenic in your fruit punch and poking holes in your condoms.)

Back to the alphabet next post.

Comments

[Hraefna]

For what it's worth, this late, it wasn't just you. I have a dear friend who had an identical experience with a submission to Sword and Sorcery: a personal, perfectly nasty rejection note from MZB. It set my friend back for quite a while, but she was here for a visit today with a copy of her second published book to give me.
I don't know what the deal was with MZB; some of her stuff was really important for me over the years, but retrospectively that has been tarnished by her treatment of others. Sad.

[ariandalen]

Let me preface this by saying that MZB's rejection letter to you was not constructive criticism, nor am I trying to defend the way she chose to write her rejection letters. She was not a healthy woman, even fifteen years ago. She had already suffered a few strokes, and by the time you read the introductions to the last handful of Sword and Sorceress anthologies, you can tell that her brain was little more than Swiss cheese. I've read many of her books, and some you can tell that she wrote that book because she needed a paycheck. Just to shed a little light on possible reasons, like I said, NOT a defense.

[Lady Jake]

So pleased you didn't let MZB's nastiness silence you - I love your writing & look forward to your posts here. I read The Mists of Avalon way back in the day, in my teens, and was inspired by her distaff spin on the "Matter of Britain." Cut to 10 years later - having been on the Path a good few years - I found too many Christian contradictions in her Pagan Priestess for my liking. Still, the idea rings sweet & true. Cue the Roxy Music ... "dancing, dancing / Avalon"

[Mel]

I don't know how I'd deal with it if someone really nastily said they hated my writing. I'm easily intimidated, but writing is how I tell stories, and even though I really enjoy being told I'm a good writer, I always first wrote to entertain myself with my ideas.

[Erik]

Glad you came back to writing; the bug never lets you go, and can make your life a living hell if you don't give in to it periodically. :)

Have you considered taking a shot at NaNoWriMo?

[Veleda Spakona]

Your story reminded me of the Gilmore Girls episode where Rory was doing a summer intership at a newspaper. At her evaluation, the editor (also her boyfriend's father) told her that she was not cut out for journalism and that she would never make it. This crushes Rory and she doesn't go back to Yale that fall and does a number of things before realizing that she wasn't going to let anyone stand in her way, gets herself back into Yale, ends up as editor of the Yale Daily News. I love when stuff like this happens in real life, well not the getting ripped part, but the girl wins in the end part. Thanks for sharing!

And, although I'm not a Scorpio, this "if you wrong me I'll still be out to spite you fifteen years later", rings true for me as well! :)

[s1ren]

You have to include facial expressions in the MoA drinking game, too, though - every time somebody does that horrified "OMGWTF I did WHAT with my sister?!?" look...kind of like taking a shot every time someone in LoTR peers over their shoulder and performs the Thousand-Yard State of Longing For Home. Heh. ;)

[Jo]

What an awful note from someone you clearly respected! I'm SO glad to see that you didn't let it stop you.

Your story also got me thinking: Would a 16-year-old young man have felt the same way? Does our society condition young women to give up when they are abused, which is really what MZB did to you in that letter? The thought came to me after seeing others doing the same thing or feeling they would if they had been abused the same way. Plus, I just read Susan Faludi's phenomenal book "The Terror Dream," and am about to write a review for my non-profit's newsletter, so feminist issues are right in front of me this morning.

Anyway, keep writing! :-)

[Pitch313]

Older writers, sometimes, eat the young writers. It's a natural selection thing, to eliminate future competitors.

I don't think that Pagan web sites used to suck as much as the tools and abilities of the web made more things possible in doing a site.

Besides, what's wrong with a spinning, flaming pentagram? When the Goddess gifts me with a vision of one, I rejoice, after all.

Oh, wait! You're talking design and aesthetics...

[Racu]

Yes, 15 years ago she was apparently suffering a from ill health. I also wonder if it wasn't her perverse way to get you to try harder. Perhaps she saw promise and thought to goad you (and the other submitter) into fighting back. Which you and Hraefna's friend both did in spades.

To Lady Jake's comment: MZB's take on religion was very similar to my own. If we stop fighting long enough, we will see--as the Bahá'í believe--that all gods are one god, and all faiths one, coming from God. The following is taken from a wikipedia article, which in turn is taken from the Marion Zimmer Bradly Literary Works Trust:

"In an article written in 1986, Marion Zimmer Bradley described her views on religion. She referred to a long journey and development of her beliefs. According to this piece, she considered her views compatible with Christianity and also with Neopaganism. She also mentioned that she was a priest in a Gnostic Catholic church:
'About the time I began work on the Morgan le Fay story that later became [The] Mists [of Avalon], a religious search of many years culminated in my accepting ordination in one of the Gnostic Catholic churches as a priest. Since the appearance of the novel, many women have consulted me about this, feeling that the awareness of the Goddess has expanded their own religious consciousness, and ask me if it can be reconciled with Christianity. I do feel very strongly, not only that it can, but that it must....

I think the neo-pagan movement offers a very viable alternative for people, especially for women, who have been turned off by the abuses of Judeo-Christian organized religions. I speak, of course, of patriarchal attitudes, hatred of women, the pervasive and insidious attitude that mankind was made to dominate nature rather than the other way round, which is leading us, via hubris, to destroy our very planetary environment in a mass of pollution and misused technology. People who have become so sickened by the pride, arrogance, anti-woman attitudes, hypocrisy and cruelty of what passes for Christianity that they leap toward atheism or agnosticism, may well reach out for the gentler reign of Goddess-oriented paganism to lead them back to a true perception of the spiritual life of the Earth. Time enough later to make it clear -- or let the Mother make it clear to them -- that Spirit is One and that they are, in worshipping the Goddess, worshipping the Divine by whatever name.'"

Which is to say that Christianity and any form of Paganism (neo or otherwise) need not be--nor are they, in my opinion--mutually exclusive.

I'm just really thankful that Sylvan (eventually) took the bait. ;)

[Mama Kelly]

Others have said it better than I could but I did want to leave a comment telling you how sorry I am that you received such a nasty painful rejection letter all those years ago.

I am so glad you didn't let it stop you from writing forever.

[Danmara]

I need to get back to my vampire story...I wrote the beginning of a story but have no idea where I want to take it, if anywhere. It's sitting here on my HD...I'm rather proud of the first piece.

(((HUGS))) I hate to hear what MZB did to you, but I'm really glad it didn't silence you forever! I feel like I've really missed out, I had awesome opportunities at school for some free voice training...but when my parents told me "you can't sing for sh*t" and "Please shut up I can't handle the sound of your voice"...there went my dreams of singing.

I found myself in a chorus in my Senior year. With a director who gave me a ton of personal attention and thought I had a lovely voice. I wish I'd met him sooner.

Never let anyone make you regret!!!!

And keep writing!!! Vampires are da shexy. :D

[Rowan]

I'm grateful for this post, for many reasons. I've always wondered how The Circle Within came about (Other than your mega messenger spider dream of course), And now I know. And I must add that after I saw The Mists of Avalon for the first time in my sophomore year of high school, I paraded around with a little moon of my forehead for weeks...(people kept asking me if it was a banana)

[Kitty O'toole]

Hello Dianne:)
I'm a huge fan having read and adored both of your books many times over. I'm trying to write myself at the moment but the muse is playing silly beggars with me, and it's very hit and miss at the mo, but I'm persevering.
Anyway, I'm so glad you didn't let the criticism completely put you off writing or else my bookshelf wouldn't have two much loved tomes sitting upon it:) For what it's worth I struggled with 'Mists Of Avalon' big style and gave up: I know it's a beloved tome of many a Pagan soul but it didn't work for me..(Incidentally I ruddy well hate criticism but I find as I'm getting older it's getting easier to dismiss it ;P)
Kitty =^..^=

[Alias Grace]

Isn't it interesting how the Gods come to us and test our commitment and dedication to a chosen path. MZB played her part in your spiritual development pitch perfectly. She made you lose belief in yourself - which makes HER a spiritual grace. She may have been ill; but the energies she embodied were firing on all cylinders. The peace offering you make is not to MZB but to yourself for not recognising who the Teacher was when you were very young.
Blessed Bee
AliasGrace

[Renee]

am grateful you didn't let one bad letter ruin your writing. am sorry you got that letter, though, that had to hurt. I have never erad the Mists of Avalon, I have skimmed thru it and found it boring. So I passed on it. Anyways, keep writing!

[Aradia]

Awww, sod her. Mists of Avalon isn't that great anyway. :)

[Sia]

I'm not surprised to hear she was abusive. I was never a fan of her work and that was pretty much it until I heard a bit more about her life. In 2006 I was working on an article about about sexual abuse in the Pagan community and I wrote about that process:

http://fullcirclenews.blogspot.com/2006/08/sexual-abuse-in-pagan-community.html

Excerpt:

The case against Marrion Zimmer Bradley and her husband, Walter Breen. Breen was serial pedophile, who was banned from certain SciFi conventions for his behavior towards young boys, and who later died in prison. Bradley is accused of knowing about this and enabling his behavior, and other abuses I can't mention here (see link in article). I can't include the case against Breen in the article (as he was not Pagan). Nor can I discuss the behavior of Bradley, a Pagan icon, as she renounced Paganism at the end of her life, and became a Christian. In any case, she is no longer here to defend herself. All we have now are the accusations and the court depositions, which she gave in her last years (which are damning, in my mind, to say the least) and her SciFi series (which many readers think sexualize the children characters in very creepy ways). To be honest, I was never a fan of Bradley's writing ( I don't like her female characters, who tend to be victims or power hungry harpies) but I never had any idea that she had been so accused of so much abuse, so often. I doubt most Pagans do. For those who are interested, I suggest reading the transcripts. from her depositions and making up your own mind. Fair warning: They are disturbing.

*****

I have since heard much more about the groups that hung out at various Cons and what happened to the children in these families. In some cases, it was abuse and co-abuse, clear and simple. In some cases it was neglect, and carelessness and (to say the least) very bad parenting, not to mention drugs and alcohol, that allowed these kids to be put into these situations. The good news is that SciFi and other cons have since gotten much better about protecting the kids in their care. Some Pagan groups are getting the message, as well.

My thoughts to out to anyone abused by her or her dysfunctional cohorts.

Sia Vogel

[Sjh]

I'm so glad you are writing. Happy to see more blog posts, too!

[Cynthia]

Good on you. My ex husband said I would never quit smoking and I would never be a writer. Whatever...

I love your writing, glad you overcame that appalling rude slap in the face.

[Melissa Bennett]

I am sorry that you had to receive such an awful rejection letter, but I am happy to hear you are reading Mists. I have read that giant book three times and I love it. I love books. I love literature. I am well read. And that book remains my favorite piece of fiction. YOUR book (Circle Within) is my absolute favorite book on Wicca. I use it in my daily practice. It is an amazing work. Thank you.

[Marcheline]

Hey,

My intro to MZB was also stressful, but not because she wrote me a nasty letter.

I was working at a life-sucking hole of an office down in Tennessee, and during my lunch break I wandered into the conference room, which was lined with full bookshelves.

I saw Mists of Avalon on the shelf and thought this was an unusual title to find in a square-assed office, so I pulled it off the shelf and began to read it while eating my lunch.

The boss walked by and yelled at me for READING A BOOK off the shelf - he said he paid good money to have a decorator put them up there, and he didn't want me messing up the display.

!!!

Anyway, I really loved Mists of Avalon, and the sequels... sorry to hear the woman who wrote them was such a biotch to you.

- M

[HID Kit]

Nice info.What an awful note from someone you clearly respected! I'm SO glad to see that you didn't let it stop you.

[Arlenecharris]

Redirected here from someone who said "read this"

I also got one of those lovely letters from MZB. She didn't tell me not to write again, just that my submission to S&S was "objectionable". How objectionable was it? Strong female swordswoman saves helpless young man from the fate worse than. Or tries to; she's too late. Yep, her female characters get brutalized in ways Caligula never thought of, but one mention of male rape and she didn't even finish the story.

This from a woman who pimped little boys to her husband. No seriously.

http://www.sff.net/people/stephen.goldin/mzb/

It's not you. It's SO not you. Write your stories; each one is a victory.