Dyslexic Cows Make Great Meditators

Let's say you're drawing a picture of a giraffe:  a four-legged ruminant mammal with horns, a superlong neck, and spots.  You draw a lot of giraffes.  You love giraffes; in fact you become well known for your depiction of giraffes in your giraffe blog.  You even write a book or two about giraffes. 

Then one day you draw a giraffe with a shorter neck.  Next you draw one with shorter legs.  A week later you shorten the neck even more and make its horns longer and curved.  The next giraffe you draw has a few large spots instead of lots of smaller ones.  Finally you draw a giraffe with pronounced udders and hooves instead of two toes.

You realize at this point that it's not a giraffe.  It's still a four-legged ruminant mammal with horns, but definitely not a giraffe anymore, and while you can label it "giraffe" all you want, deep down you know it's a cow.  Cows are awesome and giraffes are awesome, but cows are not giraffes and giraffes are not cows.

That's really all that happened to me.  Over the years since I wrote my first book I've been tweaking and reinventing tiny parts of my spiritual practice and cutting out bits that didn't work for me.  Finally I looked at the picture as a whole and realized that while I've put together something pretty nifty, it's really not Wicca anymore.

I say that as someone who's always championed the idea of eclecticism, and still do.  I really think that as a religion Wicca has a lot of room in it for a wide variety of beliefs and practices, but still, at some point you have to draw the line for yourself or your tradition.  Staunch traditionalists have been saying this all along, albeit to a much narrower set of criteria.  I'm not saying they're right or wrong, I'm just saying that eventually your giraffe is a cow and it needs to find other cows to graze with.

Religion is the public face of a community's spirituality.  Spirituality is much more private and individualized.  Religion is what people agree on when they're in a room together partying with God; and regardless of the rules, any religion can become dogmatic even when it's supposedly dogma-free. Does that invalidate it?  Of course not.  We're lucky enough to live in an era when we have a choice what religion to practice, or none at all.  We can choose our community and choose to either work within an established system or cut-and-paste with care to create something just for ourselves.

Wiccan belief is not what trips me up; it's a problem of practice, focus, and attitude.  In my ideal version of spirituality I am a mystic, not a magician.  The influence of Ceremonial Magick has always kind of...well, not bothered me, but definitely not spoken to me either.  Rituals based on the Wiccan framework with Circle casting in a dozen steps and Quarter calls and all of that almost always leave me bored and disconnected. So often the attention is all paid to the steps themselves that the actual center of the ritual, the part that's supposed to do something, gets neglected. This isn't to say great rituals don't exist, just that even the vaguest formality is too much for me these days. Besides, I'm not afraid of being eaten by psychic oogy-boogies while I pray.

(Hardcore magical ritual is another thing altogether--I'm speaking mainly of celebratory and seasonal rituals here.)

The focus on fertility and sex in the community is also grating to me, as I've blogged about here before.  I'm sure plenty of people would chalk that up to personal repression, and it may indeed be, but you know? I don't care. I don't want to pretend my chalice is a big vagina. There's something inherently violent to me about the whole Great Rite in Token symbolism anyway, picturing the penis as a blade; my body is not a sheath. Neither is my Goddess. I understand celebrating sensuality and pleasure, but to me that's something that can't be done in the proper reverent frame of mind except in private.

But that's a rant for another day.  Suffice it to say that I'm a great lover of Nature and the seasons, not just the mating season. Add to that the squick factor of the traditional Wheel symbolism, and well, it just doesn't feel right with my own approach. 

That's really the point of all this babbling--I got my Wiccan education via people like Scott Cunningham who said things like, "if it feels right, and doesn't hurt anybody, go with it." Jettisoning the label feels right to me. As with veganism and all the other things I believe in, I don't expect everyone around me to do the same, or to agree with me.  I'm just speaking my own truth, sharing my experiences, and trying to honor my own evolution.

Most of my life I've been afraid to exist outside of categories.  Like a lot of people who turn to alternative mores I've struggled with the feeling that I never belonged anywhere--not at church, not in the cliques at school, not in my hometown, not at college, not in the Pagan community. Still, humans need to feel that sense of place and  unity, and often we cling to vocabulary words that no longer define us rather than risk going it alone.

My brain keeps begging, "But...but if you're not calling yourself Wiccan, then what are you?  You need a WORD!"

I wish there was one.  Pagan will have to do for now, although it's too broad; Witch is incomplete; Goddess-worshipper is too narrow and unwieldy.  Hell, if I can describe my spiritual path in 20 words or less I'll be doing better than a lot of people.  Maybe I'll invent a term.  Sylvan, 39th Priestess of the First Church of Awesome sounds pretty good. 

In the meantime, what I'm working on these days is stretching, growing past my old sense of myself.  In the painfully over-quoted words of Anais Nin,

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Cow, giraffe, zebra, elephant, hamster, ostrich:  whatever we are, whoever we want to be, may we all risk the blossom.

Comments

[n.i.]

thank-you.

welcome to your cow-dom

[spiritscraft]

I think you are onto a great mystery here.

[Mothmaiden]

This was wonderful to read and really made me step back and think about things a bit. Thank you for this and I love the analogy :)!

[Jay Schryer]

Thank you for writing this. I went through a similar process a few years ago, and I wish I had had this resource back then. I felt like I was going a little crazy, and I felt more than a little guilty because I felt like I was abandoning the Goddess, when She had been so good to me. Looking back on it now, I realize how silly that was, But back then it was a real difficult step for me to say that Wicca no longer felt right. Lots of people go through this, so you are most definitely not alone. And now that you have published this, I'm hopeful that it will help future Pagans know that they, too, are free to shed their Wicca roots and explore other paths. The Goddess will be with you, no matter what you call yourself.

[Elphaba]

I am a high school teacher in a somewhat small town that is--as most small towns are--fixed within a small-minded paradigm. I have never been able to define "what" I am. Many years ago while in Catholic school, I found myself questioning the Bible, Jesus, and the roles of women in the church. I knew I could not be Christian with all the doubts I had. I was nothing for several years. I could not feel close to any sort of spirituality until I found a book on Wicca. (You have to love Scott Cunningham!)I thought, "I can put a name to what I feel" despite the fact that the definition--the strict sounding rituals and degrees--couldn't encompass all that I felt. Then, a few years later, I fell upon your "Circle Within." It gave me the courage to say that I do not have a definition. Pagan is too broad; Witch to narrow--nevertheless, I do like to reclaim them both from the misconceptions associated with the words. Though you spoke about Wiccan spirituality, I felt that you did not limit your understanding of the spiritual because someone or some book told you what you "should" be. When I try to tell someone "what" I am, I tell them that the easiest way to explain it is to say I am Wiccan or Pagan, but that even those words cannot say exactly what I am.
I guess what I really wanted you to know is that in a small school, down a side hall, two spiritual seekers discuss your books--along with some Shakespeare and mythology--while tearing down the prison of labels and stereotypes. I want to thank you for that courage we have found in you. You are one of the bravest women I have ever heard speak. (I would say one of bravest people; however, I feel women usually have to be braver than men when standing out against society.) We do not have "elders" because I believe this is something new. We fumble in the darkness of our souls because we know that there is SOMETHING worth reaching for out there. It's nice to know that in this darkness, we can still reach out and find another fumbling hand and give each other strength.

[Stefany]

"So what are you?"

"Well, I'm S. and I live in Canada in my parents basement. Oh, and I also occassionally offer up libations and dance around like a lunatic. Not really sure what to call that."

------

I don't really have a term for myself. I had a hard time moving away from Wicca (I didn't want to be the "only one" out there), but eventually it just faded. I have really no interest in elaborate rituals (at least by myself) and there were things about Wiccan theology that just didn't jive with me.

I still get my dose of fertility and sexuality, but I agree its not in the form of me being a sheath. It is very much an.. active or outwards push, rather than just sitting around waiting. And this comes in both masculine and feminine forms.

I'm currently toying with the term "Revivalist" as it seems to be the closest thing to what I want to do I decided against the term Reconstructionist since I wasn't so much interested in bringing back things the way they were. I mean at a lot of levels it makes sense to me... but worship now needs to be modernized. And in some Recon groups trying to push folds feels like its strictly prohibited.

I have found a group that feels exceptionally welcome to almost all the gods on this planet, while still remaining a very historically accurate hotbed of information (Neos Alexandria). It pretty much is a group of a lot of different people, united under a cause of loving the gods.

Okay, I'm going to stop rambling now. Sorry! :)

[Katie]

The same thing happened to me a few years ago. I've found that traditions that focus more on internal development rather than seasonal celebration resonate more with me. I've also been drawn to a more solid polytheism and developed more specific relationships with deities. My current favorite book, which I'm working through for the second time right now, is T Thorn Coyle's Evolutionary Witchcraft. Even if Feri doesn't do it for you, her pentacle exercises and work with the three souls is extremely valuable.

Wicca stopped feeling right years ago, and it was very confusing for me, since I wasn't sure where to go from there. I fooled around a lot with Celtic Reconstructionism, but honestly found it too limiting. Taking that and combining it with a little Feri and a little Zen has really made everything start to make a little sense. So wander around and experiment. It's like shopping for clothes. Sometimes things just don't fit and you just have to keep trying stuff on.

And then your body changes again and you need a new wardrobe. Which I guess means another dark night of the soul is inevitable. But that's the whole growth part right?

[NenTara]

How about: "ecstatic spiritual witch"? ;)

[J. McNett]

I hope that even as you expand beyond the label, you will continue to write here. I love reading what you have to say and often connect with it on multiple levels. It seems that the last post, if nothing else, showed that a lot of your readership is or has been in the same boat you're in now, and we'd love to keep reading. Mystical cows FTW! <3

[Aradia]

I think First Church of Awesome sounds pretty much ideal :D

Like everyone who's posted here, also found out I'm not really wiccan, but that doesn't bother me and never really did. I know what I am, pretty sure that God has a much clearer idea of what I am, and thats all I need really.

[Kai]

You acknowledge the existence and power of something greater than you. You seek to connect with that and understand how it affects you in all aspects of your life. It is at times private and at other times something to share. As humans we are greater than the sum of our parts and so are our beliefs. Why does either need a label?

[Amy]

This is right on target for me, too, right now. While drifting off to sleep last night I was again asking myself "Am I Wiccan?" and found myself having to admit that although the spirituality side means so much to me, the ritual side has never really worked. I feel like I'm forging my own path, too, and also wish I had a name for it, but I'm trying not to let that get to me! The Goddess is still there for me, only now I will be getting to know her on my own terms.

[onelittlepagan]

See, this is why I love your blog and read it near religiously. Not only are you not afraid of introspection and personal revelation, but you always seem to be moving towards the same goals that I am. I, too, am more a mystic than a magician. I personally stepped away from the Wicca label years ago, and while I agree that "Pagan" isn't nearly specific enough, it's still all I've got. Anybody who wants to understand more will just have to listen to the lengthy explanation!

What you write almost always speaks to me, and the internet would be lesser without your ponderings here.

[Tirya]

My giraffe's been a cow for quite some time, which is why I go with "Pagan with strong Wiccan influence" if I need to label it. :)

[Daisy]

I never have called myself Wiccan, for too many reasons to list here. Currently the title I have for myself, or rather my path is: Celtic/Norse kitchen hedge witch. Or sometimes I like the term....Goddess-in-training.

[JoniB]

As with many of the others, I too am at this juncture of life. The whole problem as I see it is "religion" and "labels." Religion is man-made and therefore flawed. And labels limit. I just tell people I am a spiritual being and right now, I'm sitting back and just listening with an open heart and mind.
I wish you well on your search. You are farther along than most people ever get because of the fear of being without a label/name tag on their chest.

[kathrynrose]

Thank you for this. I'm here through a friend's link.

When pressed, I call myself a 'cafeteria spiritualist.' I like to pick and choose from all the practices I have studied or read about. A smart friend once said he would label me a 'nature mystic' and I'm ok with that too.

I'm happy to cross paths with you. I will be stopping by more often. :)

[Mary]

Thank you!

I fell in love with your writing in The Circle Within. And for me, as with so many who have replied here, I never quite made it to calling myself Wiccan. I felt moved by the spiritual aspects of Wicca, but never quite comfortable with the rituals. Which is probably why I did fall in love with The Circle Within. FINALLY! A "Wiccan" book that didn't just focus on rituals!

What am I? I don't really know. I've never found a label I'd like to use. The closest I could come to my spiritual beliefs was panentheism. As a Catholic child, I wondered how the nuns could say with straight faces, "God is everywhere," and, "We are all children of God," and then add, "Jesus is the only begotten Son of God." Huh?

So began the quest.

I have a friend who, when asked what she is, says, "I'm me." I'd guess when it comes right down to it, that's all we ever are.

I'll second (or third or seventeenth) the plea that you will continue to write here. We need you - and, just maybe you need us a little! :-)

First Church of Awesome, indeed!

[Gralyn]

This is the first time I've posted here but not the first time reading. I've followed you from the get-go and am constantly amazed at the "sameness" of out paths. BECAUSE you ask the questions, demand the answers, speak aloud your knowings, you are on the right path for yourself. Enlightenment comes in many shapes and sizes, from giraffes to cows to hawks. You go girl and thanks for sharing with all of us.

[Tabby]

Love you!!!!

This has been a wonderful thing to read & consider - perfect for winter days waxing toward spring.

Here's a big hot bowl of vitural soup - a carrot/cashew with ginger, if you like (or I'll send something else). I hope you enjoy the (virtual) warmth & good smell as I have enjoyed the effort behind and the wisdom of your words!

[Ari]

First Church of Awesome sounds pretty good to me. I also hate labels and don't really adhere to any one thing in particular. My bookshelf encompasses lots of different topics due to the fact that I cannot keep myself in one little box.

I've always known that I'm not a Wiccan...I call myself a Witch...plain and simple. In some respects I can use Pagan too....somehow it just works for me. I don't know...I've been on this path for 12 years now and I don't really have a specific name for the things that I do.

Anyways...I do hope you continue this blog either way. I love reading your posts. They are insightful, funny and add something to my day when you post new entries.

Here's to mystical cows *raises coffee cup in your general direction* Oh how funny...I just noticed I'm drinking out of my cow mug :) How ironic is that?

Good luck on your path...whatever form it takes.

[SucculentSaskie]

"So what are you?"

"Well, I'm S. and I live in Canada in my parents basement. Oh, and I also occassionally offer up libations and dance around like a lunatic. Not really sure what to call that."

Stefany's pretty much got it here. I've been struggling lately with what to call my spirituality, because there just doesn't seem to be anything I can use to neatly label myself. I'm just finally getting to a point where I can enjoy my cow-ness as well, so I wish you the best with yours!

I'll throw in my vote for you to continue writing here. Seeing some similar things (as well as some completely different) to what I've been facing on my own path phrased so beautifully has been an inspiration since I discovered your blog.

[piper]

It's ironic (for me) that you post this, because I decided after oh, three or four years as a Wiccan that what I was practicing wasn't really Wicca, and started calling myself an eclectic neo-Pagan instead. Years later, I read your books, and your blog, and I found so much of myself and my practice in it that I figured "if Sylvan is Wiccan, Wicca encompasses how I practice too." Given that I'm not an author and I don't involve myself too much in the greater Pagan community, I don't have to worry about labeling myself too often, but it interests me to see your shift in perspective.

[Sabrina]

Thank you for these two most recent and most heartfelt posts on the spiritual transformation you are undergoing. Please know that you are not alone and that I (among what are obviously many others) read your blog faithfully because you give eloquent voice to the same sorts of thoughts and feelings in my own mind and heart. I believe that those who aren't reflecting on, questioning, and occasionally adjusting their own set of beliefs and practices really don't have much of a spiritual life, so as discomfitting as this probably is for you to deal with, I hope you can take comfort the idea that you are growing toward a new point of clarity and take hope in getting to a greater level of wisdom as a result of what you are experiencing now.

[Renee]

I know that I am lost as well. Loved your honesty and your ability to word things so well. I have strayed from my spirtuality and it is killing me. I feel so disconnected, and lost. So Iunderstand totally. Just so you know, I use your books for inspiration ... you have always been my inspiration and you will continue to be so.

[Flaneuse in DC]

You're a doll. I love your writing and your approach to the spiritual and your honesty, and whatever your NEXT book (!) is, I'll read it.

So many struggle to fit into labels, and part of the problem comes from taking it so Seriously instead of holding it all Lightly. I jokingly call myself a "quasi-Buddhist eco-pagan Quaker" and would happily become a charter member in the Church of Awesome.

Be well!
~Flaneuse in DC

[Pax]

Dianne,

I am curious as to HOW "Witch" seems incomplete? Mainly, I suppose, because I quite happilly settled into Witch after having a long heart to heart with a dear Wiccan/BTW friend of mine about the word Wicca...

I also resonate to what you say about the complexity of a lot of the Wicca inspired Witchcraft Circlecastings and Rituals out there... sometime you just want to reach out to the Divine whaterver-it-is with out so many blessed bells and whistles and assorted other entities crowding things...

Peace,
Pax

[Dani]

I have been amazed to read this and your other most recent post of the same vein because I am going through the SAME THING. I am struggling more also because I am a leader in my spiritual community and I find myself wondering - what AM I? I find it hard to relate to other Wiccans and some of the trappings of Wicca are no longer speaking to me. I feel a bit rebellious - like I don't want to be penned in by any kind of rules. My tradition is pretty eclectic anyway, but still. I would really love to be able to call you up and talk this through with you because I am hitting a bit of a wall and not sure where to go or what to do with these feelings. :P Anyway, thank you for sharing - really struck a chord with me.

[Kira]

The word "Mystic" covers all of the spiritual development you've had so far, and leaves lots of room for more. The deeper I go into my path, the less specific and the more mystical it becomes. Some tools and paradigms still work for me, but a lot of them don't. (If I'd ever called myself a Wiccan, I definitely wouldn't now.) I've left a lot of forms and labels by the wayside.

Nerd that I am, my answer to everything is to throw a book at it. I got to peruse an advanced copy of Thorn Coyle's "Kissing the Limitless" this weekend and I think you might like it. (It comes out in March). It's much more about building connection (with nature/the divine/ourselves/the thing we desire to connect to) than any particular system in which to build those connections. It's given me a lot to think about.

[plum]

i too love your book, the circle within. it was the first step i took to rely more on myself than others.

just this month, after feeling that i needed to withdraw(not depression!)i bowed out of my monthly circle and writing group and stopped spending time and energy on people who i can't be myself with. it seems really important to keep that energy within.

i am scared but that strong tugging from heart chakra is pulling me, i have no clue where this will lead. but i give myself credit for going into the unknown, once again. you are not alone cow! moo