Seed Post #6: Exile

Before I start, I want to make one thing very clear:  the following is in no way meant to lambaste the Pagan community, criticize Wicca as a religion, or to mock anyone.  I am merely speaking from my own perspective which is biased, yes, but based on fifteen years' experience with Wicca and experiences with a variety of groups, traditions, and people both wonderful and not-so-very.  I'm sure your experience is very different from mine.  If you're happy with your religious practices, that's wonderful, keep it up! 

It doesn't always work out that way.

I've always said that you should take your religion seriously, but never yourself.  That's a great maxim and all, but where do you draw the line?  If your religion is supposed to inform every aspect of your life, is there even a line to draw?

This is how I ended up forcing myself to attend a lot of group rituals over the last decade even though I never, ever felt entirely comfortable there.  I tried a thousand times to get over myself and just go with it, but the fact is, almost every time I've been surrounded by my "people" in full religious regalia complete with tools and Iambic pentameter, the same thought kept forcing its nasty way up through my consciousness:  This is ridiculous.

I was surrounded by people in pseudo-medieval costumery waving sticks and knives around, chanting badly rhymed couplets such as,

"Da dada da dada da dada da fire
da  dada da dada da dada desire!
Da dada da dada da dada da Moon
da dada da dada da dada da boon!"

Who the hell says boon?

There were people around me who claimed to have animal spirits inside their bodies--one guy even tried to sniff me.  Everything seemed to be about sex--in ritual tradition dictated that a penis (a knife) be lowered into a vagina (a cauldron) as symbolic of the Biggest Damn Mystery and Aren't We Lucky it's a Sexy One?

The thought of a penis as a knife, incidentally, is NOT OKAY with me.  They're already used as weapons against women all over the world--why bring that symbolism into a holy temple that's supposed to be woman-loving?  Yes, a knife is a tool as much as a weapon, but thrusting it into something is not what I think of when I think of peaceful uses for a knife.

Pagan traditions from hundreds of years ago demanded that I make dollies out of corn husks to lay in beds so they could be pretend-ravished by their brother-father-lovers later on that night.  Couldn't we just play Dirty Barbie like everyone else? 

I tried, I really did.  And it wasn't a lack of belief that was the problem.  I was perfectly able to go along with the idea that stones held magical energy, and that dancing around in a circle could change the world.  I cast my spells and all of that.  And when I was by myself, able to work quietly and take the time to gently connect to Deity on my own terms, it worked. 

In small intimate groups of friends I'd known for months or years, it worked as well, but there was still a barrier between my experience and the group's.  It worked best if I led the rituals, spoke the guided meditations myself--that way I didn't put so much pressure on myself to "feel something," and was able to experience a priestess's transformation, which is never the same as those in her circle, but just as important.  The only time I truly felt comfortable was when I was in charge.  For a long time I figured that was because I'm bossy and demanding, but I eventually realized it was the best way for me to get something out of the rite, too, and not beat myself up for feeling out of place.

I get it.  I really do.  The idea behind all the silliness is that we disengage the "shoulds" and "should nots" of modern society and return to a more childlike way of looking at the world, where spirits and magic are possible and cynicism gives way to wonder.  It's a more visible manifestation of what Buddhists call "beginner's mind."  Go back to the beginning, to when the world was still enchanted to your eyes, and speak to it as if you'd never been told it was all pretend.  This is a wonderful idea, and a noble aim given how determined the world is to grind us down in stark reality and doom-and-gloom. 

And for those who can manage to do that and also have transformative spiritual experiences while dressed up like cast extras from A Knight's Tale, more power to you. 

In fact I envy you, because I just can't do it. 

Over the past few years as I've moved slowly away from Wicca and into...well, whatever it is  you'd call my thing now...I've investigated various traditions both under the Pagan umbrella and outside, and I have to say that the first thing that turns me off is the You're Joking, Right? factor.  You want me to weave ribbons around a giant phallic object to celebrate...fucking?  You're joking, right?  You want me to drink out of the horn of a dead animal after thirty other people?  You're joking, right?  You want me to give offerings to that hairy skirt-wearing guy in the antlers? 

There are not enough 'shrooms in the world.

Needless to say this attitude has led to a full self-imposed exile from the Pagan community.  I have absolutely zero interest in festivals, Pride Days, drum circles, public Sabbats, or semi-public Esbats.  If it were the right people I might give it a shot, but my tolerance for strangers is even lower than my tolerance for silly.  I love spending time with the women in my wee circle, but my favorite times are when we feast together, dance together, and talk and support each other.  And I still long for community, but I don't think my place is among the Pagani.  I like to think that my writing, or the majority of it, has an appeal for my old people as well as a broader audience around the spiritual web, but as far as my actual practices, well, the divide between myself and my former community seems to keep growing the older I get. 

For a long time I thought I was the problem, but I've come to understand that it's not my fault, or Wicca's fault--it's like any relationship.  You meet, you grow together for a while, and sometimes you part company.  One of you changes and the other doesn't, or you both change, but regardless, your paths may diverge for a while, perhaps for good.  It's sad, yes, but it means you're both free to evolve unfettered by each other's expectations and drama.

So I still call myself a Pagan, but I'm not sure what that means at the moment.  When I finally get around to writing my third nonfiction book it will most definitely not include the word "Wicca" in the title, and though my approach to spirituality is still similar to my first book, the third would be a rather different critter altogether.  There are some things I just don't do anymore; they no longer serve me.  That doesn't mean those things are bad or dumb or pointless.  It just means they're not my way anymore.

And believe me...if I never do another Drawing Down, it'll be too soon.

Comments

[Jay Schryer]

This is both beautiful, and powerful. This is one of the many reasons that I stopped calling myself a witch or wiccan so many years ago. I'm just not big on ritual. Like you said, it's just kind of silly to me.

I love the Goddess, but I hardly ever think about the God at all, much less take the time to devote worship to him. And magick, for me, is much more natural and free-flowing. It's energy pulled from the Earth, shaped by my will, and guided by the Goddess. I don't feel the need for sacred space, or ritual tools, or special clothing.

Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. I'm sure a lot of people will be comforted by this, and that is beautiful. No matter what form your third book takes, I know I'll read it.

[twitter.com/amysbrain]

I still get a lot from your first book, but I think that is because it is really a spiritual book with a bit of Wiccan clothing. I, too, have never felt completely comfortable in the Pagan/Wiccan community. I have avoided gatherings like the plague, mostly because I don't like crowds, or drama, and so many of the people I have met have been so woo-woo-out-there that I simply can't relate to them. They freak me out, to be quite honest. And all the crazy sex! Seriously, people.

I'm sure there are down-to-earth relatively normal Pagans out there, I see them on the web sometimes, but I haven't met many in person. Maybe they are avoiding the crowds, too! So I'm also left looking for a name for my beliefs. They fall under the Pagan umbrella, yet I've never felt like I really fit into the Pagan community. I also never felt completely comfortable with long, flowery rituals and seasonal folk customs that mean little to me.

Perhaps that's why so many people are simply calling themselves "spiritual" these days. It is the best way to describe our spiritually omnivorous beliefs that draw from many traditions, but can never really be classified under any one of them.

[Ali]

The thing about silliness is that it can be really powerful and freeing--when it's spontaneous. But I, too, have found it difficult to work with the deliberate, intentional silliness that seems to often be a part of the Pagan community. A practice has to have meaning for me from the inside-out, beginning with baby-steps towards understanding, tapping into just one small act at a time and seeing where it gets me. For a long time the idea of pouring libations seemed kind of pointless to me, for instance, but I found the look of water running over stone had a strong aesthetic appeal, so I started with that--no worked up explanations of what it Really Meant, I just allowed myself to enjoy the sound of trickling and the darkening look of rock.

It seems like this kind of slow, organic building-up to meaningful spontaneity in ritual often gets criticized as being "overly intellectual." If you're not ready to go wild and skyclad in front of a bunch of strangers, you're just being stuffy, a wet blanket. I'm still a solitary practitioner for that reason. I'm very protective of my burgeoning self-identity as a Pagan and don't want the harsh light of ridiculousness to wither that sense before its had a chance to put down deep roots.

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=71206783]

I had a few similar experiences... I went from Wicca to solitary Reconstructionist/Eclectic (yes, you can be both) and I rarely go to circles anymore unless I feel like laughing my ass off. It isn't the silliness that bothers me, quite (although it is silly), it's more like... if you take every bad part of the sex positive movement and roll it into one, you have a Wiccan circle. I'm all for free love and merriment, but that doesn't mean people have any right to touch me without permission or otherwise molest me just because "it's a ritual of the Goddess." The whole knife=penis thing is irritating, too, especially since the creepy symbolism you mentioned isn't even hidden.

[Pitch313]

The way I have come to look at being a Pagan, you start with the Deities, the Guardians, the various other families of living beings, the Earth, and energies as you encounter them.

That's what invigorates Pagan practice.

A community of like-minded folks is a joy--and an exasperation--but it is not the heart of Pagan practice. The body, maybe.

But, at one point, the choice before me was to join a Pagan community or to join no community at all. I joined a Pagan community. I won't give it up, no matter what the changes...

[Pombagira]

i love your honesty and integrity in this post, while my situation is somewhat different, it still resonates, and makes me think deeply, thank you,

*Twirls around*

**loves**

[Danielle]

Sylvan, I couldn't have said it better myself. I think you just spoke my thoughts.

As always, thanks for sharing.

p.s. I still LOVE your first book. It's somewhat of a bible for me.

[lettersfromgehenna.blogspot.com]

I always felt, well, just as awkward in general pagan community as I did in general anything-else community. In some ways worse, because I was not Wiccan or Wiccan-derived, and so many general rituals were all quarter-calling, circle-casting, goddess-and-god stuff because that's what everyone knows, and some people don't even know that there's anything else out there.

It's a weird, difficult place to be. I think I'll go write about it at my place now ...

[Kate]

I've been in exile from the pagan community, and not really by choice. I entered paganism in my teenage years, about 5 or 6 years ago. I've never been to a festival, drum circle, or a group with all the weirdos. I've been to open rituals at the store I worked at, but I found all those to be pretty vanilla. For the pagan community, I'm pretty boring. No piercings, no tattoos, no drinking or drugs, and I don't like that some of these things are used very irresponsibly among the pagan community. But I want to go to one festival, one drum circle, and have the chance to feel an energy buzz, and dance around a fire or in a circle without worrying that the police will come or everyone else will think that I'm super strange. There are elements I don't want to run into, but my sometimes-teacher is convinced that I have a built in defense mechanism to the vast majority of the weirdos out there. Go me :) I may hate festivals if I ever try them, but I want to have that experience.
What I wish I could find is some kind of group to share my experiences with, to help me learn, and to hang with, kind of like your small circle. I miss the connection to others that practicing in a group allows you. Your article was very true, though. There are some true freaks out there.

(As a note about the knife thing: The open circles I go to sometimes don't use an athame to do the symbolic great rite, they use a crystal wand. Very beautiful, and less knifey.)

[Alii]

If I start feeling ridiculous, I also start feeling all disconnected.

The 'silly' is what makes me so uncomfortable with a lot of outspoken religious figures. How can people stand there and tell me what's-what when I get the impression they believe precisely 0% of what they're telling me?

[Heather]

I think one of the reasons I have been reluctant (even afraid) to actually seek out other pagans is because of the "silliness factor." Your complaints about the knife/cauldron symbolism is exactly how I have felt at times and I know I definitely would not feel comfortable in a group that incorporated that into their rituals. I rarely perform rituals alone by myself; when they do they usually resemble prayer and meditation more than anything else.

I would also like to say that I have been enjoying your blog for some time, but have never left a comment before. I hope to see more excellent posts like this one in the future!

[Jolande]

Please write. I just love your writing style and I don't care what you write. So please write that book :)

[Jaka Merriman]

Again, thank you for this. I've often felt like I was the weird one for not feeling at home in other people's circles. I always wind up doing my own thing, off in my own world, when attending someone else's rituals. I'm always the girl laughing during the serious part of church.

And yet, I find that even at home, I'm not sure what to do. I feel almost sillier standing/sitting alone and trying to commune with deity than I do in a pompuous medieval rite. I don't have any idea why. And I never seem to feel the things I "should" or that other people do. I yearn for that experience like when I was young and could feel and hear the universe.

Maybe someday.

[Pombagira]

gosh a second comment! mostly because it has been yelling loudly in my mind, so i figured that i had to share..

to me it seems that when you get to a certain point on your spiritual journey or path, when you realise so to speak, it is all dressing and or framework. these titles and traditions and various styles of reaching out to the divine, to the universe to god, was how you once view and uitilised in order to do so, but now because this stuff has been calling you for years, and becuse of the path you have walked, you come to the realisation that actually it doesn't matter what you dress it in, what language you use, or what framework you view it from, actually its all the same unnameable, inexplicable, indescribable *waves hand evocatively* divine, universe, magic, energy...

you know the one..

and it just is..

*smiles*

[estrangedtheory.blogspot.com]

THANK you. So much.

I have experienced one seriously moving ritual -- in the middle of which I was totally into it, the drawing-down the priestess accomplished left me feeling without question that I spoke to Brighid, from which I took home something fragile and holy that I still find within myself sometimes.

The rest of the public rituals I've gone to have left me cold and feeling stupid. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

[sjh]

Amen, sister!

There are wonderful groups out there, but they are few and far between and you have to get through a lot of strange to get there. And then even when you do... sometimes it's still just too much glitter and bad chants and fake wings to swallow.

BTW, did you catch the season finale of TruBlood? Makes you a little ashamed to be pagan, because some of it's a little too true...

[twitter.com/ObsidianIris]

I understand what you're saying but at the same time...I really don't.

I agree that a lot of what Pagans do at gatherings is silly...or whimsical...or serious business; it all depends on your point of view. From my point of view it is most definitely silly. The only time this ever bothered me was when I believed that I had to behave similarly to be a "real" Pagan. I know better now.

What makes me a Pagan is that my gods are the gods of ancient Greece. Period. What the Pagan community, or the Hellenic community for that matter, does or doesn't do is of no consequence because at the end of the day, it's just me and my gods. How I worship them is entirely between me and them.

As for the silliness in the neoPagan movement, I chalk that up to the simple fact that it is still a relatively new movement. Everyone is still in the honeymoon phase where you're just so caught up in all the ooey-gooey emotions and just want to have fun with your lover (in this case, God).

I do feel we are slowly beginning to come out of this though. I feel we really need to in order for Paganism to advance. I really don't care if a Pagan calls himself a tri-level, high muckity-muck magi and wears a fur cape and antlers; I do care that he can intelligently explain what he believes and why. We can't continue to just say, "I'm okay with everything and I love everybody. My god is in this tree right here and it's totally cool if yours is in that rock over there." If you tell a Christian that part of your celebration of the spring equinox is honoring the fact that light and dark are in balance expect them to ask why you would honor the dark instead of rebuking it and be able to explain the Hermetic concept of dualism.

As for my place in the Pagan community, I practice alone but that's okay. I'm just grateful to have finally found my way home. I do sometimes go to the Pagan events in my area but my aim is just to be around like-minded folks who won't give me funny looks when I ask where I can find the booth to buy dragon's blood. I'll thank them, maybe compliment them on their fairy wings and tutus, and then be on my way in my jeans and t-shirt.

[me]

Thank you so much for this post. (I have read your blog for a long time by the way - I love it!)

Although I long for community, I am extremely careful about who I reach out to. There just seems to be more drawbacks than benefits to the pagan community. A lot of the nice things people say you can get from it, I can get from my atheist friends - without having to put up with sillyness, tackyness and extreme beliefs or opinions. I really do not want to be associated with most of the people out there, nor do I want my beliefs to be. When I meet other pagans (which I rarely do), I don't feel like I've come home, I feel alienated.

Still, it would be so nice to meet intelligent and mature people that identify with paganism for the same reasons that I do.

[Kim Turcotte]

Thank you for this post and for your honesty. For years, I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't feel comfortable taking part in public ritual.

Over time,like you, I have come to realize that I have to do my own thing. It all comes down to your unique relationship with the Divine.

Sometimes I am called to formal ritual, which I may or may not share with a few close friends, but mostly, I connect with deity in the moment as I am inspired. I make my own rules about how I explore my spirituality. (I have even been known to attend a christian ceremony, gasp!)

I really feel that as more people honor their own spiritual wants and needs in a way that serves them, the world will be a better place.

B-T-W, I still think your first book is relevant and fantastic. The way I see it, it promotes daily practice and connection. It's not necessarily telling you how to do it, but that's it's important to do it.

I look forward to your next book, as I am sure it will be a keeper as well!

[Hawthorn]

Well there is not much more that I could say that hasnt been said. The silliness at some rituals abounds and I have long ago stopped attending much of it for lack of patience seeming lack of sacredness. Though maybe my idea of ritual and sacredness is just different. What amazes me in seeing all these posts is how many people feel the same way. I guess there are so many MORE that like the silliness that is drowns out the ones who dont. I have been practicing for over 20years and once one graduates Wicca 101 one is really without much more guidance. Its when ones path really begins and research skills are honed. personal evolution is a important skill and letting go of the "shoulds and should nots" is a big part of that. Its often a solitary path for better or worse. Thank you for this powerful post. Like many I was touched by it.

Hawthorn

[Scorpionis]

And allow me to add another "hear, hear!" What I enjoyed about the pagan community for so many years was just that: the community, and the collective feeling that went with it at gatherings. After a while I realized I really couldn't care less about most of the group rituals. As you have observed, they struck me as being silly and were certainly not resonating with whatever I was trying to do. I'd rather sit on my back porch under the moon with a candle and a sage wand than hold hands and "raise a cone of power" (OMG, *facepalm*). I always tried to play along with group rituals but felt like a poseur since I wasn't feeling it. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else was, either, or if like me they were just playing along. My church is not in a circle around a bonfire: it's in the woods, in the mountains, and in the desert. The "cone of power" is already there: I just need to enjoy it.

[Jenn]

Thank you, Sylvan, for sharing your thoughts and articulating well what I've felt. I've often berated myself with "what's wrong with me? Why can't I just accept this is how it is, this is what you do to be a (fill it in: Wicca/Pagan/Recon/etc)...and I'm not if I'm not willing to do it exactly as told/written/shown, then I must not be one. Bleh" No matter what label I put myself in, a lot of it would feel right, but then things would nag on my mind (the knife = penis thing. Yeah. And, for a more recon-like group I belong to: do I really have to ritually speak and wash myself ritually pure ala the ancients considering I live in the 21st century in one of the most germphobic and cleanaholic culture's on earth? That's always been a stumbling block for me.)
I think it partly comes from our culture's training in ceding our authority to others; that one's own experiences and feelings are not to be trusted/followed when there's an expert at hand. Plus were social critters to varying degrees; don't we all want to belong somewhere? So gimme a label....

Anyway, consider me a pre-order for your third nonfiction book -- your first two books are still my tops when I'm in need of a re-read under the "Wiccan/Pagan" label. I loves your writing style. Just write; the labels we give ourselves are ultimately meaningless for wherever we're going. Or maybe more like mile markers.

*end gush for Sylvan*

Have a fab day...and some yummy food.

[Red]

Well I feel really sad reading your post and the comments that people have made. And my experience is similar to yours but instead of pulling away at this point in my life I am finding myself pulled closer in.

What is great about being Pagan or a Witch (I don't actually like the term "Wiccan", it makes me think fluffy bunnies.) is you can find the path that is right for you. Even if that is a brand new path that no one else had ever walked in before.

Sounds like your path is taking you on to the next level, which is great. What I think is super important to remember about being Pagan is the fact that the foundation is Love, and connection to each other. Forget the ritual, the spells, the chanting, take all the costumes and play acting....if you are living your life honestly with Love; then naming that a specific 'religion' isn't necessary.

I have seen other Pagan people go through this same sort of growing away, or spiritual questioning if you will.....I think it is a good thing. I think it is a statement that your spirit is still evolving and growing.

Best of luck to you in your search. We each have to find our way through the dark.

[Renee]

I so love what you wrote ... I too have been feeling some of the very same things and I have gone off and made me own Pagan tradition. I read and re read your books and so I would love to see a third one come out! I would soooo read it! Know that you have me on your side. Thinking of you ....

[Nadia]

Well technically there ARE enough 'shrooms in the world but we'd probably have to scrape your brain off the floor with a spatula and who wants that? ;-) Good post. I hear you on the silly. I remember a ritual I went to waaaay back when @ PSA at UT where a person wanted to cast a Samhain circle with bubbles while wearing a tiara. *sigh*

[Aquari]

Ah yes, bad devotional verse, we hates it ... but tiny quibble: that's tetrameter you're describing, not pentameter. Pentameter would be five beats - Da dada da dada da dada /da dada/ da fire - which is what Shakespeare wrote in. The odd number of beats prevents it from becoming sing-song, so you read/recite it in something more like a normal speaking voice.

I think most amateur poets compose in tetrameter couplets (each line rhyming with the next) because it's what you learn in grade school English class (which has a lot to answer for). The result can't help sounding like a nursery rhyme. The fact that most of our popular music is in 4/4 time might have something to do with it, too.

[Pandora]

I just had to comment how much your post resonated with me and how good it feels reading the comments left by people that I am not the only one that feels that way. Thank you for your honesty and courage for sharing with us your real opinions and thoughts. I also wanted to say I greatly enjoy both your books and like other have been on my reread list a few times over.I look forward to seeing what your new non-fiction book will be like.
Yours Truly , Pandora.

[Devenir]

I'm an avid reader of your blog and I echo the comments of the others - keep writing! Your exile seed post has come back to me over the last two days. I agree and disagree at the same time.

Mirth and reverence are a staple in our extended community. As passionate individualists, we certainly have created a culture of outcasts, we just don't fit in normal society. It becomes just "silly" when there is no depth behind what we do.
Working in small groups gains its purpose then, as everyone understands the why behind an action in ritual.

If you need to wear cloaks to flip that switch in your head that helps you commune with Goddess, then go for it. For those that have been on the path a while its a daily thing, a kiss of sacred in the mundane. Something that doesn't take flourish, it simply is.

Now I have two kids. There is nothing like having children to make you re-evaluate your faith and see it through new eyes. Its quite the acid-test. What do you believe and why? You quickly find yourself going back to what you know for sure. Your core values, your reasons for holding a certain position. My husband and I are teaching our children about pagan culture and letting them see windows into our personal practice.

Working groups and personal practice will always be more powerful then public circles. They just don't raise the energy of intimate work - and they are not meant to. Public circles are about building community and are celebratory.

Public events are also about investing back into the community so that we have a new generation of practioners who can help see the magical in the everyday. So that our culture can deepen and grow. Is there bullsh*t in our communities - you better believe it. But isn't it amazing what that fertilizer can do sometimes?

Recently I filled in the pagan census http://tinyurl.com/lwhvek and it asked questions about why you came paganism, how pagan paths have you touched to get to where you are now. It also asks to share magical experiences. It really makes you go through the rolodex of your experiences.
It really helped me reflect on what I know at my core.

So perhaps you may never draw down the moon again. It doesn't really matter as long as you can spiral down and touch where you have been so you know you are going.

[Lisa]

I can see why there are those who might be offended, but so was the Emperor when the child pointed out he was naked.

There *is* a lot of silliness, a lot of disconnect between symbol and intent, and a LOT of weirdly-dogmatic symbology used without thinking it through.

I have a hard time with public ritual as well. I feel too much like a voyeur and not like a participant. I don't do it very often.

But, I teach. I try to get my students to understand there is a framework, a reference system that already exists, and it is unalterably flexible. Eclectic works for me, I know it, I feel it, I transmit it, and reality changes.

So, I recognize what you say. I understand it. I'm looking forward to seeing where you go from here.

[Jeliza]

Thank you. This sounded so much like the inside of my head....