Have No Fear, I'm Still Here

A few days ago I expressed on Twitter that I was rethinking my website, and that apparently made some folk nervous.  Don't worry, I'm not shutting down DDtM...but its form may change a little as time goes on.  Right now the plan is to create an official authory sort of website that will serve as a hub for my work both fiction and non; the blog will be a part of that.  I have no idea what role spirituality will play in future versions of this site, but rest assured it's not going away.

I admit my priorities have shifted a bit.  As I'm no longer really Wiccan and have almost nothing to do with the Pagan community offline, other than a group of Witchy women I see all too little, I feel like I'm out of touch with Paganism and the enthusiastic religion of my early twenties.  If you think that bothers me, well...it doesn't, really.  I wish I could say I miss the community, but to be honest I never really felt like I belonged among other Pagans--Pagan-friendly groups, definitely, but I preferred a more spiritually diverse climate that tended less toward drunken revelry, anti-Christian rantery, and...okay, I'll say it:  organizational clusterfuckery.

Where that leaves me, I have no idea, and I'm okay with that.

In fact, at this exact moment in time, my life is pretty stellar.  I've rededicated myself to veganism, have started going to Nia again, and am feeling progressively better health-wise; I'm starting on my second novel while the first is chugging toward publication and is starting to garner endorsements; I'm not staring down the barrel of a negative bank balance; I have a job, a comfortable home, a car that runs, friends and family who love me, two affectionate fuzzbutts, outlets for creative expression, plenty of access to nourishing food and clean water, a Macbook, and a future full of possibility; I'm even enjoying Facebook, which I never thought possible.  My cup overfloweth with awesomeness.

Strangely, it's at these times in my life when I start looking around wondering what's missing. 

I don't say that as a typical gloomy cynical Scorpio; I say that as someone who knows what it's like to feel like life as a whole is a bottomless pit of crap with me buried up to my neck.  When you're mired in depression everything feels wrong; when life is going pretty well, you gain some clarity and are able to identify wobbly bits without feeling like every wobble is the world falling off axis.  I've been slowly hauling myself out of the muck since this Autumn, and while progress is a wonderful thing, sometimes it starts to feel a bit...monotonous...especially when the things that were wrong aren't easily or quickly fixed, and healing them is going to take long continuous effort perhaps over years. 

I think I need a breath of fresh experience.  A trip, a class, a new hobby, an adventure, something to shake the cobwebs out.

A friend and I are hoping to take a trek up to Portland in the coming months just for the hell of it; it's a part of the country I've always wanted to see, and PDX is pretty famous among vegans for having all sorts of awesome eateries and other cultural landmarks. Another dear friend--the one I've had since we were awkward prepubescents--has been urging me to get off my butt and travel, especially since she lives in the Czech Republic and has wanted me to visit her for years.  That one might be down the pipeline a bit, but still, I've finally realized it's possible, and that I can make it happen. 

Who knew one day I'd be flashing my optimism in public?

At any rate, don't be surprised by any changes you see here at DDtM in the near future. 

Comments

[Kyeli]

Portland is #1 on our Places to Live Inside the US That Aren't So Fucking Hot All the Time list. (:

Also, my spirituality has shifted and grown quite a huge lot lately, too. If you ever feel like talking about it with someone not in your inner circles, I'd love to get coffee and talk. (:

[Jaka Merrman]

Whenever you talk about the changes in your spirituality, I can't help but go "Yes! Exactly!" in my own head. I've been missing the connections of my earlier years, too, both social and personal, then finding it's actually not that big of a deal. The Pagan community at large tends to get under my skin, yet I miss individuals deeply; I haven't "practiced" in years, yet I still feel the draw to do so. I'm still trying to figure out how to go forward with all that and it's reassuring to know that someone I look up to and respect can and does feel the same.

And, while I'll miss the more personal tone of the site if it goes away, I certainly will keep visiting. Thank you for sharing so much with us.

[Niki]

Congratulations on all your accomplishments! Just knowing that I've been in those places helps me get through things when I'm not in those places anymore.

I'm not Wiccan and never have been Wiccan. My one foray into covenship turned out to be an unmitigated disaster. I have a lot going on in my life that needs to be taken care of too. When there's a lot of things that need to be attended to in the physical realm (good or bad)it makes sense that the spiritual isn't in the foreground. I'm sure you'll end up in and out of the spiritual work in whatever form it may take eventually. For now, congratulations on your writing! That's huge!

[s1ren]

>>drunken revelry, anti-Christian rantery, and...okay, I'll say it: organizational clusterfuckery.

WORD.

>>gain some clarity and are able to identify wobbly bits without feeling like every wobble is the world falling off axis

Isn't that a nice feeling? Kind of like cleanung house, where you can finally stand in a mostly-clean room and announce to yourself, "What's next?" Love it. :)

[Jillian]

Hello!
I just wanted you to know that I quoted parts of your book "The Body Sacred" on my blog, and since I appreciate knowing where my words are being used, I thought you might as well.

Thanks for some great thoughts.

[dale g moore]

clusterfuckery!! I love it. What a word! Describes most of everything. A bit of twist on cluster fuck and is up there with circle jerk. Amazing. Blessing on your quest - we are all along the road somewhere. dale

[Briarraindancer]

I recently found your blog, and I have to say, it's like reading fresh air, or spring water (that sounds nonsensical, but hopefully it makes sense).

I've fallen away from the practices of my youth, and while I miss them, I also... don't. I don't miss the closemindedness clothed in tolerance, uninhibited hedonism for its own sake, and I definitely don't miss the arrogance and ego wrapped up in pretty titles and degrees.

What I DO miss though, is the certainty. The sense that I was on the right path, and in the right time.... To quote a UU minister friend of mine, I miss the absolute surety that "all is well, and all is well, and all will be well."

No matter what you do with the blog, it's always nice to see others walk down that same foggy road of uncertainty. It makes me feel less alone.